Emotion-focused couple therapy (Greenberg)

1. Introduction

Version followed: Greenberg & Goldman (2008), Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power (APA; German ed. Die Dynamik von Liebe und Macht, Reinhardt 2010), as taught today in the EFT-C Level 1 trainings of the Centre for Psychotherapy and Emotional Health (Toronto), plus the forgiveness model of Greenberg, Warwar & Malcolm (2010) and Greenberg & Woldarsky Meneses (2019). This is not Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (3 stages, 9 steps). The two share a root in Greenberg & Johnson (1988). [source: OPA and CPA training pages; Wikipedia, EFT]

Primary text access: only the book's abstract and the German table of contents are drawn on, not its chapters. The model's official "5 stages and 14 steps" are confirmed to exist, but their wording is not drawn on. Section 2 therefore gives a working phase map built from the components the developers name, marked [synthesis]. Before you use the model under its name, check the step list against Greenberg & Goldman (2008, ch. 7, "the five-stage framework" and "the new steps"). [uncertain]

What it is. EFT-C is a couple therapy developed by Leslie Greenberg (York University, Toronto) and Rhonda Goldman. It aims to "recognize and transform the emotional processes that maintain conflict" [source: OPA page]. Its distinctive move is to work with affect regulation across three motivational systems: attachment, identity (power, self-worth, validation) and attraction/liking. Johnson treats attachment as the one master motive [source: APA abstract via contextualscience.org; Wikipedia].

How change happens.

• Partners stuck in negative cycles are reacting with secondary emotions (blame, withdrawal, contempt) and survival strategies. These cover primary vulnerable emotions, such as sadness, fear, shame and longing, and unmet needs for connection and for validation of identity.
• The therapist helps each partner access and show those primary emotions in front of the other. This evokes new, softer responses and builds new cycles.
• Where the pain comes from identity (shame, feeling "rotten at the core") or from unmet childhood needs, the partner's reassurance is not enough. Change then also needs self-soothing and self-change, alongside other-soothing and change in the interaction.

[source: APA abstract; Wikipedia; Caperspring EFT-C self-soothing page]

2. Framework

Official structure: 5 stages and 14 steps [source: OPA; CPA; Caperspring]. The stage names and step wording are [uncertain]. The German table of contents confirms one chapter on "the five-stage framework" and "the new steps". Separate chapters cover the three relational motives, emotion assessment ("pain points the way"), the affiliation cycle and the influence cycles. [source: Reinhardt TOC PDF]

Format.

• Conjoint sessions, with individual sessions inside the couple therapy where needed [source: OPA; CPA].
• Self-soothing is "first developed in individual EFT" and then applied in joint sessions [source: Caperspring].
• Homework is set between sessions [source: OPA].
• Length: the York emotional-injury project offered 10 sessions to couples with injuries unresolved for 2+ years [source: York news 2006]. A secondary source gives 8–20 sessions as typical for EFT in general [source: Wikipedia]. One trial used 16 × 60-minute sessions, but its model version was unclear [source: Fam. Counsel. & Psychother. article, 2018]. No official EFT-C session count was found [uncertain].

Working phase map [synthesis: ordering mine, each component sourced]. Use it as a guide, not as the official 14 steps.

Order of self-work versus interaction work. A secondary summary says EFT-C puts identity and self-regulation work before changing interactions [source: Wikipedia]. The developers' training text, however, places self-soothing in a particular stage and applies it "when a partner is unavailable" for other-soothing [source: Caperspring]. These suggest different sequences, so check the book [uncertain]. In practice, use self-soothing whenever its markers appear (section 4) [synthesis].

Training requirements.

• No licence or fidelity certification was found for using the approach clinically.
• The 4-day EFT-C Level 1 "certification training" (CPEH, offered via OPA/CPA) gives a certificate of completion. It requires full attendance and needs no prior couple training.
• Higher levels are not described [uncertain].

[source: OPA; CPA]

3. Guiding principles

• Emotion as primary. Emotion organises self and interaction. Meaning: work with what is felt in the room now, not with content or debate. [source: Glendon/Psychotherapy.net description; Wikipedia]
• Three motives, not one. Look at every conflict through three lenses: attachment (closeness/distance), identity (validation, power, control, self-worth) and attraction/liking. Meaning: don't translate a fight about respect into a fight about closeness. [source: APA abstract; Wikipedia]
• Differential emotion assessment. Sort emotions into primary adaptive (follow them), primary maladaptive (access, then transform), secondary reactive (explore past them) and instrumental (explore their interpersonal function). Meaning: each type calls for a different intervention. [source: Wikipedia]
• Pain is the compass. Meaning: follow the most poignant pain to find the core issue. [source: TOC, "der Schmerz weist den Weg"]
• Emotion-change principles: awareness, expression, regulation, reflection, transforming emotion with emotion, corrective experience. Meaning: arousal is useful only when it is regulated and reflected on, and lasting change comes from new lived experience with the partner. [source: Wikipedia, individual EFT; applying it to couples is my inference, which the book's framing supports]
• Marker-guided work. Each task has a marker, an intervention process and an end state. Meaning: intervene when the marker appears; don't run techniques by schedule. [source: Wikipedia]
• Dominance and power are emotional, not only strategic. Meaning: explore the fear, shame or anger driving control or submission. [source: APA abstract; TOC "Einflusszyklen"]
• Self-soothing and other-soothing go together. Meaning: a partner cannot be the only source of regulation for the other's core wounds. [source: APA abstract; Caperspring]
• Validation of identity. Meaning: a partner's need to be seen and valued as who they are is a legitimate need that the other can meet. [source: TOC "Validationssystem"; OPA]
• Even-handed alliance. Meaning: validate both partners' experience and never side on content. [source: TOC, alliance and validation chapters; detail is my synthesis]
• Fostering positive emotion. Meaning: actively build warmth, love, caring, joy and hope, not only problem resolution. [source: OPA; CPA]
• Recognise contraindications. Meaning: screen first, and don't open vulnerability where it isn't safe. [source: OPA; CPA]

4. Intervention inventory

The developers name the interventions below on the pages and in the table of contents. Where the steps come from Greenberg's individual EFT task models (marker, intervention, end state) and the couple adaptation is not spelled out in the sources, they are marked [synthesis]. All example wording is mine (illustrative).

1. Empathic attunement, validation and alliance formation

• Purpose / when: From the first session onwards, so that each partner feels safe enough to show vulnerability. The book's stage framework starts with validation and alliance [source: TOC; OPA]. Detail below is [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Meet the couple jointly and invite each partner's view of the problem in turn.
  2. Reflect each partner's feeling and need, not their accusation.
  3. Validate both views as understandable, even when they contradict.
  4. Hold the floor for whoever is speaking, and block interruptions gently.
  5. Summarise both positions with equal warmth.
• Example language (illustrative): "So when he goes quiet, what you feel isn't just annoyance. It's something like being left alone with it. And for you, the quiet is how you stop it from blowing up. Both make sense."
• Watch for: One partner feels you favour the other (check directly). Reflections that carry a hint of blame. Working when: both partners' bodies soften and they elaborate, rather than defending.

2. Emotion assessment ("pain points the way")

• Purpose / when: Ongoing case formulation. Locate the core pain and classify which emotions are in play [source: TOC; Wikipedia]. Goldman & Greenberg (2015) describe an EFT case formulation process. Its couple version is [uncertain].
• Steps:
  1. Listen for the most poignant moments: tears, voice shifts, sudden anger.
  2. Ask what is most painful.
  3. Classify the emotion. Primary adaptive: follow it. Primary maladaptive (old shame or fear out of proportion): access, then transform. Secondary (anger covering hurt): explore what lies beneath. Instrumental (used to get an effect): explore its function gently.
  4. Link the pain to a motive: attachment, identity or attraction.
  5. Formulate the cycle in those terms.
• Example language (illustrative): "When she said you never finish anything, something landed hard. What was the most painful part of that?"
• Watch for: Mistaking secondary anger for the core. Missing shame, which often looks like withdrawal or contempt. Working when: your formulation lands for both partners ("yes, that's it").

3. Identifying and de-escalating the negative interactional cycle

• Purpose / when: Phases A–B and whenever escalation recurs. Make the pattern, not the partner, the problem [source: OPA; CPA "identify and de-escalate destructive interactional cycles and survival strategies"].
• Steps:
  1. Track a recent fight moment by moment. Ask who did what, what each felt, and what each did next.
  2. Name each partner's position, e.g. pursue/criticise vs withdraw/stonewall, or dominate vs submit.
  3. Name each partner's survival strategy as self-protection.
  4. Name the secondary emotions, and then guess at the primary ones underneath.
  5. Draw or summarise the loop.
  6. Frame the loop as the common enemy.
  7. In session, when the cycle starts, stop and name it live.
• Example language (illustrative): "Here it is again: the more you push to be heard, the more he shuts down to stop the fight, and the more alone you feel. You're both caught in the same loop."
• Watch for: Partners using the cycle language as a new weapon ("you're pursuing again"). Working when: they catch the cycle themselves and escalations shorten.

4. Mapping the affiliation cycle and the influence (power/dominance) cycles

• Purpose / when: When the conflict is about control, respect, decisions or status (identity), not only closeness. The book treats affiliation (closeness) and influence (dominance/submission) cycles separately and clarifies the emotions in the dominance dimension [source: TOC "Affiliationszyklus", "Einflusszyklen"; APA abstract]. The specific steps are not drawn on; those below are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Ask whether this is mostly about feeling close and cared for, or about feeling respected, in control and valued.
  2. For influence cycles, track the dominance move (insisting, criticising, overriding) and the submission or counter-dominance move.
  3. Explore the primary emotions under each: often shame, or fear of being diminished, under dominance, and resentment or powerlessness under submission.
  4. Name the identity need each is defending, such as to be seen as competent.
• Example language (illustrative): "This sounds less about wanting more time together and more about whether you feel taken seriously. Does being overruled touch a sense of being made small?"
• Watch for: Pushing an attachment frame onto identity conflicts. Working when: the partner who "dominates" can admit the vulnerability behind it.

5. Accessing and expressing underlying primary emotions (attachment and identity)

• Purpose / when: Phase C. Reach the vulnerable emotions: attachment emotions (anxiety, sadness, longing) and identity emotions (shame, fear, anger, power, self-worth) [source: OPA; CPA].
• Steps:
  1. Slow down at an emotionally live moment.
  2. Reflect the secondary emotion.
  3. Use evocative, image-rich reflections and empathic conjecture to point to what may lie beneath. Offer it tentatively.
  4. Direct attention to the body.
  5. Help the partner symbolise the feeling in words.
  6. Help them articulate the need it carries: to be close, to be valued, to have a say.
  7. Ask them to tell the partner (see Enactments).
• Example language (illustrative): "Underneath the irritation I wonder if there's something more like hurt, a sense of 'I don't matter to you'? Check if that fits."
• Watch for: Over-confident conjectures (always offer them to be corrected). Arousal too high to stay with (see Overwhelm). Working when: voice and pace change, and the partner speaks from inside the feeling, not about it.

6. Empathic affirmation of vulnerability

• Purpose / when: When a partner reveals an intensely painful feeling about the self, such as shame or feeling worthless [source: TOC "Vulnerabilitäten empathisch affirmieren"; Wikipedia task table: marker = painful emotion about self; end state = feeling understood and stronger].
• Steps:
  1. Stop doing anything "technical".
  2. Stay close and slow, with a low, quiet voice.
  3. Follow and affirm the person's experience exactly as it is, without reframing or problem-solving.
  4. Let them touch bottom. In the individual EFT task model, this is typically followed by a spontaneous turn towards strength.
  5. Protect the moment from the partner's interruption.
• Example language (illustrative): "It's so hard even to say this here. That feeling of being not good enough, it's been with you a long time. I'm right here with you."
• Watch for: The other partner rushing to fix it or argue. Ask them to just listen for now. Working when: the disclosing partner feels met and steadies.

7. Systematic evocative unfolding of a problematic reaction point

• Purpose / when: When a partner over-reacts in a way that puzzles even them ("I don't know why I blew up when he...") [source: TOC "Evokative problematische Reaktionspunkte systematisch enthüllen"; Wikipedia: marker = puzzling over-reaction; end state = new view of self in the world].
• Steps [synthesis applying the individual task]:
  1. Confirm the marker: the reaction seems excessive to the person themselves.
  2. Vividly re-evoke the scene: where, when, what exactly was seen or heard.
  3. Find the precise moment the reaction fired and how they construed it ("what did that look mean to you?").
  4. Connect that meaning to the felt reaction.
  5. Widen to the self-view or old wound it touched.
  6. Share the understanding with the partner.
• Example language (illustrative): "Let's slow it right down. You walk in, the dishes are there, he's on his phone. What happens inside, right at that moment?"
• Watch for: Drifting into blame-story. Keep it on the reacting partner's inner process. Working when: "Oh, it's that I felt treated like a servant again", followed by a shift in how they see themselves.

8. Experiential focusing for unclear felt sense

• Purpose / when: When a partner's feeling is vague ("I just feel off around her") [source: Wikipedia task table, individual EFT; the couple use is my synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Invite attention inward to the body.
  2. Ask them to find the whole felt sense of the issue.
  3. Find a word or image for it.
  4. Check it against the body.
  5. Ask what it needs.
  6. Then bring the clarified feeling to the partner.
• Example language (illustrative): "Take a moment and notice where that 'off' feeling sits. Is there a word or image that fits it?"
• Watch for: Pressure from the waiting partner. Frame their role as quiet witness. Working when: a felt shift occurs and a clearer statement emerges.

9. Working with blocks, avoidances and interruptions (self-interruption two-chair)

• Purpose / when: When a partner stops their own feeling ("there's no point crying about it") or avoids emotion [source: OPA "work with blocks, avoidances and interruptions"; Wikipedia: self-interruption split → two-chair enactment → self-expression and empowerment].
• Steps:
  1. Notice and name the interruption: a change of subject, a laugh, tight throat, "anyway".
  2. Ask them to become aware of how they stop the feeling.
  3. Optionally, in an individual session or with the partner's agreement, use two chairs: in one chair they enact the interrupter ("shut up, don't show it"), in the other they respond from the blocked feeling.
  4. Explore what the interrupter protects against, for example being ridiculed or abandoned.
  5. Support the expression of the blocked emotion and need.
• Example language (illustrative): "Something just closed down. Can you notice what you did to stop the tears? Could you do it to yourself, out loud: what do you tell yourself?"
• Watch for: Doing chair work in front of a partner who may later use it as ammunition. Check safety first [synthesis]. Working when: the blocked emotion comes through and the person feels freer.

10. Self-critical split work (two-chair dialogue) for identity and shame

• Purpose / when: When a partner's hurt is driven by harsh self-criticism ("I'm a failure as a wife"), which the partner's reassurance cannot settle [source: Wikipedia: self-evaluative split → two-chair dialogue → self-acceptance; identity problems are best addressed via the self rather than the interaction]. The book's specific couple protocol is [uncertain]. Typically do this in an individual session [synthesis].
• Steps [synthesis applying the individual task]:
  1. Name the split.
  2. Ask the critic, in one chair, to criticise the self specifically.
  3. Move them to the other chair and ask how it feels to hear that. Access the primary hurt and shame.
  4. Have the experiencing self state what it needs from the critic.
  5. Return to the critic and check for any softening into concern or compassion.
  6. Later, share the outcome with the partner in a joint session.
• Example language (illustrative): "Come over here and be the part of you that calls you a failure. Make her feel it: what do you tell her?"
• Watch for: The critic escalating without softening (slow down and find the critic's fear). Contempt from the partner. Working when: the critic softens, the self stands up, and dependence on the partner's reassurance drops.

11. Empty-chair work for unfinished business (including childhood unmet needs)

• Purpose / when: When lingering resentment or hurt towards a significant other, often a parent, is fuelling reactions to the partner. The book addresses unmet needs from both adulthood and childhood [source: APA abstract; Caperspring: "unmet childhood needs"; Wikipedia: unfinished business → empty chair → letting go and affirming self]. Usually do this in an individual session within the couple therapy [source: OPA "use individual sessions"; Caperspring]. The steps below are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Identify the marker, e.g. "when she criticises me it's my father all over again".
  2. Get consent and explain the method.
  3. Have the person imagine the other in an empty chair and speak directly to them about the specific hurts.
  4. Differentiate the blended anger and sadness, and express each fully.
  5. Articulate the unmet need.
  6. Optionally, have them sit in the other's chair to voice that person's response.
  7. Move towards resolution: holding the other accountable, understanding them, letting go, or affirming the self.
  8. Later, in joint session, share how this old wound shows up in the couple's cycle.
• Example language (illustrative): "Imagine your father here. Tell him what it was like to never be good enough for him."
• Watch for: Re-traumatisation if there was abuse. Go slowly, use the client's window of tolerance, and seek trauma-informed supervision. Working when: the old feeling is expressed and completed, and the person reacts to the partner less like a stand-in.

12. Enactments (setting up successful enactments)

• Purpose / when: Phases C–D. Turn an accessed primary emotion into a new interaction with the partner [source: OPA; CPA "set up successful enactments"]. Steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Once a partner has touched a primary emotion and need, ask them to turn and tell the partner directly.
  2. Coach for brevity and "I" language.
  3. Turn to the receiver and ask what it is like to hear this.
  4. Validate the receiver's response. If they respond defensively, process their reaction rather than forcing acceptance.
  5. Stage it so it can succeed: prepare the receiver first and pick a reachable disclosure.
• Example language (illustrative): "Could you turn to him and tell him that, just the part about feeling small? ... [to partner] What happens inside you as she says that?"
• Watch for: Enactments attempted too early or with a hostile receiver (they fail and confirm fears). Shield the discloser if the receiver attacks. Working when: the receiver responds with softness, curiosity or comfort, and the discloser takes it in.

13. Facilitating other-soothing

• Purpose / when: When one partner's vulnerability is exposed and the other is available to comfort or validate [source: APA abstract, "self-soothing and other-soothing"]. Steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. After a disclosure, ask the receiving partner what they feel and what they would like to offer.
  2. Help them put care, validation or reassurance into words, or into a gesture if acceptable.
  3. Ask the disclosing partner what it is like to receive it.
  4. Help them let it in, and work with any refusal to accept it.
• Example language (illustrative): "You look moved. Is there something you'd want her to know right now?"
• Watch for: Comfort that is not taken in, which is a marker for identity-based shame (go to #14). Comfort that is offered dutifully. Working when: visible calming and closeness in the moment.

14. Promoting self-soothing (compassionate self-soothing)

• Purpose / when: [source: Caperspring; Wikipedia task: stuck, dysregulated anguish → compassionate self-soothing → relief and self-empowerment; OPA "facilitate partners to self-soothe"]. Use it:
  1. When the partner is unavailable or not yet accessible for other-soothing.
  2. When difficulties trace back to core identity concerns, such as feeling fundamentally flawed or worthless.
  3. When one partner's deep shame persists despite the partner's acceptance. It is "first developed in individual EFT" and then applied in joint sessions. The exact procedure taught in EFT-C is [uncertain]. The steps below are [synthesis] based on the individual EFT self-soothing task.
• Steps:
  1. Help the person access the painful state, such as shame, abandonment or anguish, and name the unmet need.
  2. Invite them to imagine a hurting younger self, or a friend in the same pain, in a chair.
  3. Ask what they would say or do to comfort that person.
  4. Have them offer the comfort, then switch chairs and receive it.
  5. Ask how it feels to receive.
  6. In joint sessions, help the partner witness this, and agree how the partner can support the person's self-soothing without taking it over.
  7. Use breath and grounding first if arousal is too high.
• Example language (illustrative): "If you saw a little girl feeling this worthless, what would you want to tell her? Tell her now."
• Watch for: Inability to feel any compassion (go slower, or start with a third person or pet). The partner feeling excluded. Working when: shame lowers, the person feels some sense of being OK on their own, and the demands on the partner ease.

15. Working with identity validation and the validation system

• Purpose / when: When conflicts centre on being recognised, respected or seen as competent. The book includes a validation system for couples rated on an 8-point scale (appendix) [source: TOC "Validationssystem für Paare: 8-Punkte-Skala"]. That instrument is not drawn on; do not improvise its items [uncertain]. Steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Identify what identity aspect each wants validated.
  2. Help the speaker express the need without contempt.
  3. Coach the listener to reflect and validate the speaker's experience, even while disagreeing on content.
  4. Check whether the speaker felt validated.
  5. Repeat the other way round.
• Example language (illustrative): "You don't have to agree with his plan. Can you tell him what you understand about why it matters so much to him?"
• Watch for: Validation that slides into "yes, but". Working when: both feel seen as people, not judged.

16. Fostering positive emotion and attraction

• Purpose / when: Throughout, and especially later. Build warmth, love, caring, joy and hope, and work with the attraction/liking system [source: OPA; CPA; APA abstract]. Steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Notice and amplify spontaneous positive moments in session: slow down, reflect, ask what it is like.
  2. Ask what first drew them to each other and what they admire now.
  3. Ask them to express appreciation directly to each other.
  4. Explore blocks to positive feelings, such as fear of hoping again.
  5. Set homework for shared enjoyable activities.
• Example language (illustrative): "You both just laughed. Stay with that for a second. What's it like to feel this with each other?"
• Watch for: Forced positivity before injuries are addressed. Working when: positive affect occurs spontaneously and lasts.

17. Emotion coaching / training emotional skills

• Purpose / when: To teach partners to become aware of, name, regulate and use their emotions [source: TOC "Emotionen trainieren"; Greenberg 2002 Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients cited on the Psychotherapy.net page]. Steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Explain the difference between secondary reactions and primary feelings and needs.
  2. In session, coach partners to name the primary emotion and need before speaking.
  3. Practise regulation, such as pausing, breathing and self-talk, when arousal rises.
  4. Practise using emotion's information to guide what to ask of the partner.
• Example language (illustrative): "Before you answer, take a breath. What's the feeling under the frustration, and what do you need from her right now?"
• Watch for: Psychoeducation replacing experiential work. Working when: partners use the language spontaneously at home.

18. Homework between sessions

• Purpose / when: To carry new patterns into daily life [source: OPA "assign homework between sessions"]. Specific EFT-C homework tasks are [uncertain]. The steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Pick one small, reachable task tied to the session, such as noticing the cycle starting and naming it, sharing one primary feeling a day, a self-soothing practice, or an appreciation.
  2. Agree it with both partners.
  3. Review it at the next session, focusing on what was felt.
• Example language (illustrative): "This week, when you notice the loop starting, could either of you just say 'here's our pattern' and take a 10-minute break?"
• Watch for: Homework used to score points. Working when: partners report catching and repairing cycles.

19. Individual sessions within the couple therapy

• Purpose / when: For self-soothing, unfinished business, shame work, or when one partner cannot be vulnerable in front of the other [source: OPA; CPA; Caperspring]. Procedures below are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Offer individual sessions to both partners, to keep balance.
  2. Agree a confidentiality policy in advance, e.g. no secrets that block couple work. EFT-C's own policy is [uncertain].
  3. Use the session for one focused task (#9–#11, #14).
  4. Agree what will be brought back to joint sessions and how.
• Example language (illustrative): "I'd like to meet each of you once on your own, to understand more of your own history. Whatever we discover that matters for you two, we'll decide together how to bring it back."
• Watch for: Alliance imbalance. A disclosure of an ongoing affair or violence (see section 5). Working when: the joint sessions deepen afterwards.

20. Forgiveness treatment for emotional injuries and betrayal

• Purpose / when: For an injury that still dominates the relationship: an affair, abandonment, invalidation, deception, or a triangle with family or friends [source: York news 2006; OPA "Forgiveness Treatment Approach" (Greenberg, Warwar & Malcolm 2010)]. The full stepwise model is in Greenberg & Woldarsky Meneses (2019, chs. 5–7), which is not drawn on [uncertain]. The elements below come from the summaries; their ordering and the injurer's steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Assess the injury and check both partners want to work on it. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation (the 2019 book describes deciding between forgiveness, reconciliation and letting go [source: APA book page]).
  2. Have the injured partner express the hurt, pain and anger fully and directly to the injuring partner, holding them accountable.
  3. Help the injuring partner stay non-defensive, take in the impact, and express genuine remorse or shame [synthesis].
  4. Help the injured partner articulate the unmet need and receive the injurer's response.
  5. Support letting go of resentment, with forgiveness where it emerges. In the individual version, clients confront an imagined injurer in role-play (empty chair) [source: York news].
• Example language (illustrative): [to injured] "Tell him what it did to you to find those messages." [to injurer] "What happens in you as you see how much she was hurt?"
• Watch for: Forcing forgiveness, or premature apology to shut down the hurt. An injurer who still minimises it. Working when: the injured partner's feelings shift from anger and hurt to letting go, and there is renewed trust or a clear decision.

21. Assessing contraindications

• Purpose / when: At intake and whenever new risk appears [source: OPA; CPA "recognize contraindications to therapy and address them"]. The specific EFT-C contraindication list is [uncertain]. Items are [synthesis] from standard couple-therapy practice.
• Steps:
  1. In individual screening, ask each partner privately about violence, fear of the partner, coercive control, substance misuse, an ongoing affair and an intent to leave.
  2. Where there is ongoing violence or fear, don't run vulnerability-based conjoint work. Move to safety planning and individual support.
  3. Revisit consent if any of these emerge later.
• Example language (illustrative): "Is there ever a time you feel afraid of your partner, or afraid of what happens if you speak openly here?"
• Watch for: Disclosure only in private. Plan carefully how you will act on it without endangering the person.

22. Consolidation and relapse prevention

• Purpose / when: Final phase [source: OPA "engage in relapse prevention"]. Steps are [synthesis].
• Steps:
  1. Help the couple tell the story of their old cycle and the new one.
  2. Rehearse how they will catch and repair a future escalation.
  3. Apply the new pattern to an old unresolved problem.
  4. Identify triggers and early signs, such as stress, illness or anniversaries of an injury.
  5. Taper the session frequency and offer booster sessions.
• Example language (illustrative): "If the old loop comes back in six months, what will be the first sign, and what will each of you do?"
• Watch for: Ending while gains are fragile. Working when: the couple repairs ruptures on their own between sessions.

5. Handling problems

The sources only name these issues (blocks, avoidances, interruptions, contraindications, self-soothing when a partner is unavailable). Almost all responses below are my own synthesis, built on EFT task logic [synthesis unless tagged].

• Stuck in the cycle; no shift to primary emotion.
  • Slow down, and work in the present moment with the most poignant pain.
  • Check whether you are on the right motive: you may be using an attachment frame on an identity/power conflict, or the reverse [source: APA abstract, three motives].
  • If one partner cannot soften, do the work with that partner in an individual session (#19) before more enactments.
• Resistance / blocks. Treat them as self-interruption. Explore how and why the person stops feeling, rather than pushing past it (#9) [source: OPA "blocks, avoidances and interruptions"].
  • Validate the protective function ("it makes sense you'd keep this locked up if it's been used against you").
• Overwhelm / dysregulation.
  • Lower arousal before deepening: slow your voice, ground, breathe, orient to the present.
  • Have the partner sit back.
  • Use compassionate self-soothing for stuck anguish (#14) [source: Wikipedia task].
  • Don't do empty-chair trauma work beyond the window of tolerance.
  • End sessions with regulation and a plan for the days ahead.
• Escalation in session / contempt.
  • Interrupt firmly and name the cycle (#3).
  • Reflect the secondary emotion and guess the primary one underneath.
  • If attacks continue, stop the enactment and work with each partner separately within the session.
• Partner rejects comfort, or reassurance doesn't help. This is a marker of identity-based shame. Shift from other-soothing to self-soothing and self-critical split work (#10, #14) [source: Caperspring; Wikipedia].
• Non-adherence with homework. Explore what was felt when they tried or avoided it; that is usually cycle material. Shrink the task to one that can succeed.
• Alliance ruptures ("you're on her side").
  • Acknowledge it directly and non-defensively.
  • Validate the perception and own your part.
  • Rebalance by deeply validating that partner's experience.
  • Consider an individual session for each partner.
• Power struggles / dominance.
  • Don't take sides on content. Explore the vulnerability under dominance (fear, shame) and the anger or resentment under submission (#4) [source: APA abstract].
  • If dominance becomes coercive control or intimidation, treat it as a contraindication (#21).
• Violence, fear or coercion disclosed.
  • Pause conjoint vulnerability work and assess risk with each partner separately.
  • Make a safety plan and refer to specialist services. Follow local mandatory reporting rules where children are involved.
  • This is standard practice; EFT-C's own guidance is [uncertain].
• Secret ongoing affair disclosed in an individual session.
  • Use the confidentiality policy agreed at the start. Typically, give the partner a reasonable time to end the affair or disclose it, or explain that couple therapy cannot proceed honestly.
  • Forgiveness work (#20) only once the affair has ended and been disclosed.
• One partner wants to leave. Shift to discernment: clarify each partner's goals, and offer help to separate well or individual therapy. Don't press for reconciliation. Forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation [source: APA forgiveness book page].
• Suicidality or severe individual disorder (depression, trauma, substance use).
  • Assess risk in the standard way: ideation, intent, plan, history, protective factors.
  • Use lethal-means counselling on safe storage and removal.
  • Involve crisis services as needed.
  • Consider individual EFT or other treatment first, or in parallel.
• Cultural differences around emotional expression or gender roles. Ask how each partner's family and culture saw anger, crying and dominance, and adapt how intensely you evoke emotion. Treat respect and status needs as identity needs, not as pathology.
• Therapist pulled into attachment-only formulation. EFT-C's specific point is that power, identity and attraction also matter. Formulate all three before choosing an intervention [source: APA abstract; Wikipedia comparison with Johnson's EFT].

Sources

Sources

• Greenberg & Goldman, Die Dynamik von Liebe und Macht – front matter and table of contents (Reinhardt, 2010)
• Greenberg & Goldman 2008 – abstract (ACBS/contextualscience.org)
• Certified Emotion-Focused Therapy, Couples Level 1 (Ontario Psychological Association)
• Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT-C) Level 1 – 4 Day Training (Canadian Psychological Association)
• Free webinar: EFT-C self-soothing (Caperspring)
• Forgiveness and Letting Go in Emotion-Focused Therapy – book page (APA)
• Focus on feelings helps couples forgive: York U study (2006)
• Emotionally focused therapy (Wikipedia; secondary)
• Couples Therapy – Les Greenberg video page (Psychotherapy.net via Glendon)
• Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples – Guilford book page (Greenberg & Johnson)
• EFT vs IBCT and marital forgiveness (Family Counseling & Psychotherapy, Univ. of Kurdistan)
• Skorunka, review of Greenberg & Goldman (Psychoterapie, 2010) – metadata only
• Aplicaciones clínicas en la terapia de pareja desde la TFE (Comillas repository) – abstract only

Further reading (not drawn on in full)

• Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power. APA. doi:10.1037/11750-000
• Greenberg, L. S., & Johnson, S. M. (1988). Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Guilford.
• Greenberg, L. S., Warwar, S., & Malcolm, W. (2010). Emotion-focused couples therapy and the facilitation of forgiveness. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
• Greenberg, L. S., & Woldarsky Meneses, C. (2019). Forgiveness and Letting Go in Emotion-Focused Therapy. APA.
• Goldman, R. N., & Greenberg, L. S. (2013). Working with identity and self-soothing in emotion-focused therapy for couples. Family Process, 52(1).
• Goldman, R. N., & Greenberg, L. S. (2015). Case Formulation in Emotion-Focused Therapy. APA.
• Greenberg, L. S. (2002). Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings. APA.

Further reading (not drawn on):

• The APA sample PDF for the 2019 forgiveness book (not drawn on).
• The 2013 Family Process paper (not drawn on).
• The book chapters listing the official 5 stages / 14 steps.