Mentoring

1. Introduction

Version followed: two layers combined. (a) Programme structure: MENTOR's Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, 4th edition (2015), six standards with benchmarks (B) and enhancements (E), written for formal youth mentoring programmes. (b) The one-to-one relationship: David Clutterbuck's developmental mentoring (European tradition, EMCC), Kram's phase model (1983, as summarised in Kram & Isabella 1985), and the National Mentoring Center's Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentors (Garringer & Jucovy, 2007/2008) for youth matches. Boundaries follow the EMCC/AC Global Code of Ethics (v4, Dec 2025) and ICF's Referring a Client to Therapy (2018).

What it is. Mentoring is not a psychotherapy and has no single founder or manual. It is a relationship-based developmental model, used in two main forms: (1) structured programmes in which a trained volunteer (usually an unrelated adult) is matched with a young person for at least a year; (2) workplace, professional and community mentoring in which a more experienced person helps a less experienced one learn, decide and grow. Clutterbuck defines two traditions: sponsorship mentoring (a senior patron promotes a protégé and expects loyalty) and developmental mentoring (the dominant approach today), which helps the mentee learn to act on their own, gaining insight and motivation through their own effort [source: Clutterbuck, What makes a good mentor]. Mentoring is described as a helping relationship built on exchange of knowledge, experience and goodwill, in which the mentor also changes [source: Cranfield Trust].

How change happens. The relationship itself is the active ingredient. Kram describes two families of mentor functions: career functions (sponsorship, coaching, exposure and visibility, protection, challenging assignments) and psychosocial functions (role modelling, counselling in the lay sense, acceptance and confirmation, friendship) [source: Kram & Isabella 1985]. In youth mentoring, trust built through consistent, enjoyable contact comes first; change is indirect and gradual, and matches fail when mentors try to "reform" the young person [source: Garringer & Jucovy]. In developmental mentoring, change comes from the mentee's own reflection, sharpened by listening, questioning and constructive challenge [source: Clutterbuck; AAU Mentor Training Book].

Who this guide is for. A psychotherapist will usually meet mentoring in one of four roles: designing or supervising a mentoring programme; training and supporting volunteer mentors; acting as a mentor (e.g. to a junior clinician); or working with a client who also has a mentor. The guide is written for all four. Where you are the mentee's therapist, do not also become their mentor (dual relationship) [synthesis].

Boundary with psychotherapy (rule e). The EMCC/AC Global Code of Ethics states that coaching (and by extension the mentoring its members practise) is not counselling, psychotherapy or medical intervention; members work within their competence and refer, or end the engagement, when the client would be better served by another form of professional help [source: EMCC Global Code of Ethics v4]. Cranfield Trust tells its mentors it does not provide counselling, describing counselling as focused on understanding and healing emotional difficulties, often including childhood experience, and points mentees needing mental-health support to Mind [source: Cranfield Trust]. ICF's referral guidelines (written for coaches, used here for mentors) give the referral signs in section 4.31 [source: ICF 2018]. Youth programmes must train mentors on mandated reporting of suspected abuse or neglect, suicidality and homicidality [source: EEP 4th ed., B.3.3].

2. Framework

Mentoring has two nested cycles: the programme cycle run by staff (or by you as programme lead) and the relationship cycle lived by the pair.

2a. Programme cycle (EEP 4th ed., six standards)

[source: EEP 4th ed. (Iowa HHS copy, standards 1–3); Montgomery County DHHS 2018 guidance restating standards 4–6]. Note: the standards 4–6 detail was read in a county guidance document that restates EEP benchmark numbers, not in the MENTOR PDF itself [uncertain: wording may differ slightly from the original].

Dose and format. Youth programmes: one-to-one, face-to-face, minimum one calendar or school year, average weekly meetings, 4+ hours a month; shorter or less frequent designs only with empirical support, a clear theory of change and preparation for closure [source: EEP B.2.6–2.7 and exceptions]. Workplace/professional schemes: e.g. Cranfield Trust's structured programme meets monthly for 6–8 months [source: Cranfield Trust]. Informal career mentoring relationships typically last 3–6 years [source: Kram & Isabella citing Kram 1983].

2b. Relationship cycle

Sources name the phases differently; use the one that fits your context.

• Clutterbuck (developmental, adult): rapport building, direction setting, progress making, winding down, moving on [source: Cranfield Trust, which names the phases but not their content]. Phase content below is drawn from the AAU workbook, which uses a closely related four-phase model and cites Clutterbuck [source: AAU Mentor Training Book].
• Kram (workplace, naturally occurring): initiation (complementary needs bring the pair together); cultivation (the range of functions is at its maximum); separation (changes in role or growing independence end the core functions, often with anger, loss or anxiety); redefinition (the relationship is reshaped into something new) [source: Kram & Isabella 1985].
• Garringer & Jucovy (youth): beginning; challenging and testing; "real" mentoring; transition toward closure [source: Building Relationships].

3. Guiding principles

• Relationship first. In youth matches, early goals are consistency and a mutually enjoyable relationship; change is indirect [source: Building Relationships]. Practical meaning: don't introduce targets or schoolwork until trust exists.
• Developmental, not reforming. Matches fail when mentors set out to change the young person; successful mentors support growth and act as a friend [source: Building Relationships]. Practical meaning: never make meetings contingent on behaviour at home or school.
• The mentee owns the agenda. The mentee chooses the topic, goals and outcome [source: AAU]. Practical meaning: open each meeting by asking what they want from it.
• Listen more than you talk. Aim for about 20% mentor talk [source: AAU]; Clutterbuck lists "knowing when to stop talking" among core skills [source: Clutterbuck]. Practical meaning: count who spoke most after each meeting.
• Advice is secondary. Give it only when asked or with permission, after the mentee has had space to find their own answer [source: AAU, citing Leo Smith]; youth mentors give advice sparingly and practically [source: Building Relationships].
• Challenge the behaviour, perception, value or assumption, not the person [source: AAU, attributed to Clutterbuck]. Practical meaning: phrase challenges as curiosity about what they intended or assumed.
• Reliability and mentor responsibility for contact. In youth matches the mentor takes responsibility for scheduling and keeping contact [source: Building Relationships]; EEP requires a one-year commitment [source: EEP B.2.6].
• Contract clearly. Clients must understand the nature, terms, confidentiality and logistics of the arrangement [source: EMCC GCoE, Beginnings]; youth matches sign a commitment agreement in person [source: EEP B.4.4].
• Confidentiality with stated limits. Strict confidentiality except where law requires disclosure, illegal activity, or danger to self or others; limits must be explained up front; safeguarding arrangements for children and vulnerable adults [source: EMCC GCoE, Confidentiality]. Practical meaning: say the limits in the first meeting, not when a disclosure arrives.
• Mentoring is not therapy; work within competence and refer. [source: EMCC GCoE; ICF 2018]. Practical meaning: when distress impairs daily functioning or blocks progress, raise referral (4.31).
• Clear, culturally sensitive boundaries; no romantic or sexual relationship; declare conflicts of interest [source: EMCC GCoE].
• Power awareness. The mentor works to defuse their own power so the mentee can speak honestly [source: UCL ACCELERATE quick guide, citing Megan Reitz].
• Respect cultural difference in matching and in how challenge is delivered (e.g. face-saving cultures) [source: EEP B.4.1; AAU].
• Planned, direct endings. Clear endings with a real goodbye are experienced better than abrupt or agency-only endings [source: Spencer et al. 2017]. Practical meaning: agree the closure process at the start.
• Supervision and reflective practice. Mentors use supervision or peer supervision and bring ethical dilemmas there [source: EMCC GCoE, Ability to perform]; youth programmes provide ongoing staff support [source: EEP B.5.9–5.12].
• Both parties are trained. Clutterbuck reports far better outcomes where both mentor and mentee received training [source: Clutterbuck, What makes a good mentor].

4. Intervention inventory

Part A covers programme-level procedures (for a clinician who runs, supervises or adapts a mentoring programme), mainly from EEP 4th ed. Part B covers the tools the mentor uses inside the relationship. Part C covers safety, referral and ending. All example language is illustrative unless quoted and cited.

Part A. Programme procedures

4.1 Realistic recruitment

• Purpose / when: Before any match. Attract people whose motives and skills fit and prevent the unrealistic expectations that drive early endings [source: EEP B.1.1–1.7; Spencer 2007].
• Steps: (1) Write a role description stating time commitment, supports and challenges plainly. (2) Use messages that build positive attitudes to mentoring without overselling. (3) Ask existing mentors to recruit people they know. (4) For mentees and families, describe what being mentored involves and recruit only young people whose needs the programme can meet. (5) Enhancements: publish eligibility criteria; recruit continuously through several channels; provide materials in relevant languages [source: EEP E.1].
• Example language (illustrative): "This asks for about an hour a week for at least a year. Most mentors say the first months are slower and harder than they expected."
• Watch for: applicants who want to "save" or "fix" a child; applicants who cannot commit a year.

4.2 Mentor screening

• Purpose / when: Safety and commitment, before training or matching [source: EEP Standard 2].
• Steps: (1) Set written acceptance and disqualification criteria. (2) Written application. (3) At least one face-to-face interview. (4) Comprehensive criminal background check (national database, sex-offender and child-abuse registries; driving record where relevant). (5) References from several adults, personal and professional. (6) Written agreement to a one-year minimum and to meeting on average weekly, at least 4 hours a month. (7) Enhancements: fingerprint-based checks, home visit, checks on adults in the home if meetings happen there, evidence-based screening tools, prioritising applicants older than college age [source: EEP B.2.1–2.7; E.2.1–2.6].
• Example language (illustrative): "Tell me about a time you made a long commitment and it got hard. What kept you going, or what made you stop?"
• Watch for: red flags the standard lists as patterns rather than single signs: focus on own needs, over-involvement with children, treating children as peers, excessive physical contact, secrecy about activities, inability to set limits [source: EEP Standard 2 justification].

4.3 Mentee and family intake and consent

• Purpose / when: Ensure the programme fits the young person and the family consents [source: EEP B.2.8–2.12].
• Steps: (1) Apply written mentee eligibility criteria. (2) Parent/guardian completes application or referral form and gives informed permission. (3) Parent and mentee agree in writing to the year and meeting frequency. (4) Enhancements: a mentee application and written mentee assent [source: EEP E.2.7–2.8]. (5) [synthesis] As a clinician, screen for needs beyond a volunteer's scope (active self-harm, psychosis, severe trauma symptoms, current abuse) and arrange clinical care in parallel; mentoring can run alongside treatment but does not replace it.
• Example language (illustrative): "A mentor is a steady adult friend, not a counsellor or a tutor. Is that what you were hoping for?"
• Watch for: families expecting the mentor to fix behaviour or provide therapy; referral by others without the young person's real assent.

4.4 Pre-match mentor training

• Purpose / when: Before matching. EEP reports that mentors with under two hours of training had lower closeness and shorter relationships [source: EEP E.3.1 justification].
• Steps: (1) At least 2 hours in person (enhancement: 6+). (2) Cover programme rules (length, frequency, duration of visits, missed or late meetings, termination); mentor goals and expectations; obligations and appropriate roles; relationship development; ethics and safety; closure; sources of support; the specific youth population; initiating the relationship; working with the family [source: EEP B.3.2]. (3) Cover risk-management policies: physical contact, contact with the programme, approved activities, mandated reporting (abuse or neglect, suicidality, homicidality), confidentiality, digital and social media, overnight travel, money, transport, emergencies, health care, discipline, substance use, firearms, including others in meetings, photos, data use, grievances [source: EEP B.3.3]. (4) Use research-informed materials [source: EEP B.3.4]. (5) Use training also to screen out unsuitable applicants [source: EEP E.3.3]. (6) Rehearse the closure process now, so that both parties agree to it at the outset [source: Spencer et al. 2017].
• Example language (illustrative): "Your job is not to change this young person. Your job is to turn up, every week, and enjoy their company."
• Watch for: trainees who hear the reporting rules as optional; trainees describing a rescue mission.

4.5 Mentee and parent orientation (enhancement)

• Purpose / when: Before matching, so mentees and families know purpose, rules and closure [source: EEP E.3.4–3.7].
• Steps: Explain the purpose of mentoring, programme requirements, the mentee's own goals, each person's obligations and roles, ethics and safety, how the relationship starts, how it ends; the same risk-management topics; for parents, how to build a working relationship with the mentor.
• Example language (illustrative): "If your mentor ever does something that feels wrong, you can tell me or your parent. That is never getting anyone in trouble for nothing."
• Watch for: parents who plan to use meetings as reward or punishment.

4.6 Matching

• Purpose / when: After screening and training [source: EEP B.4.1; E.4.1–4.6].
• Steps: (1) Consider interests, proximity, availability, age, gender, race and ethnicity, personality, goals, strengths, prior experiences and the stated preferences of mentor, mentee and parent. (2) Enhancement: mentor at least three years older than mentee; parent can give feedback on the proposed mentor before the first meeting. (3) Brief the mentor on the mentee's background, confidentiality and likely challenges; brief mentee and family on the mentor and on what to share and when.
• Example language (illustrative): "Based on what you told me about football and wanting someone who listens, we have someone in mind. Can I tell you a bit about them?"
• Watch for: matching only on availability; poor fit is a documented cause of early ending [source: Spencer 2007].

4.7 Staff-facilitated initial match meeting

• Purpose / when: First contact of the pair [source: EEP B.4.2–4.3].
• Steps: (1) Schedule and document it. (2) Staff present (or on site), with mentor, mentee and parent when relevant. (3) Introductions, review of how meetings will work, first activity ideas, then signing the commitment agreement (4.8). [synthesis: keep it short and light; end with the date of the first solo meeting.]
• Example language (illustrative): "Before you two start, let's agree when you'll meet, how you'll contact each other, and what happens if one of you can't make it."
• Watch for: visible discomfort or a mentee who will not engage at all; note for the first check-in.

4.8 Match commitment agreement

• Purpose / when: At the initial meeting [source: EEP B.4.4].
• Steps: Mentor, mentee, staff and parent sign in person an agreement covering meeting frequency, intensity and duration; each person's role; how often each will be in contact with the programme; and the risk-management policies. Add the agreed closure process [source: Spencer et al. 2017].
• Example language (illustrative): "This says we meet every week for at least a year, that the programme will call each of us, and that when it's time to finish we'll say a proper goodbye."
• Watch for: mentors who sign without reading; rushed agreements predict mismatched expectations.

4.9 Match monitoring check-ins

• Purpose / when: Throughout the match [source: EEP B.5.1–5.8; E.5.1].
• Steps: (1) Contact mentor and mentee (and parent/guardian or other responsible adult) twice in the first month, then monthly. (2) Use a standard procedure covering activities, mentee outcomes, child safety, relationship quality and impact on each party. (3) Log date, length and activities of each meeting. (4) Regularly assess each match for continuation or closure. (5) Enhancement: at least one in-person meeting a year with mentor, mentee and family. (6) Watch for warning signs of struggling matches and coach the mentor; help families prioritise the match [source: Spencer et al. 2017].
• Example language (illustrative, to mentor): "How close do you feel to her this month, on a scale of one to ten? What happened the last time you met?"
• Watch for: falling meeting frequency, vague answers, mentor "cover stories" (work or family pressures masking dissatisfaction) [source: Spencer et al. 2017].

4.10 Mentor support, ongoing training and recognition

• Purpose / when: Ongoing, to prevent mentor dissatisfaction and abandonment [source: EEP B.5.9–5.12; E.5.2–5.5].
• Steps: (1) Give resources: expert advice, publications, web resources, access to experienced mentors. (2) At least one post-match training a year (topics: development, demographic differences, mentee-specific issues, closure) [source: EEP E.3.2]. (3) Give regular feedback on mentee outcomes and impact. (4) Group activities for matches and families. (5) Thank mentors and families at least yearly.
• Example language (illustrative): "You've said she hardly talks. From what her mum tells us, she counts down the days to Thursdays."
• Watch for: mentors who feel ineffective or unappreciated; this is a leading reason for mentor-initiated endings [source: Spencer et al. 2017].

4.11 Referral support for mentee and family

• Purpose / when: When needs arise that the match cannot meet [source: EEP B.5.10].
• Steps: Provide access to resources and referrals, including social services. Keep a current referral list. [synthesis: the mentor passes concerns to staff rather than arranging services themselves.]
• Example language (illustrative, staff to parent): "His mentor mentioned he's been very low. Can we talk about getting him some support from someone trained in that?"
• Watch for: mentors becoming case managers.

4.12 Closure procedures, exit interviews and rematching

• Purpose / when: At the end of every match, planned or not [source: EEP B.6.1–6.9; E.6.1–6.2].
• Steps: (1) Written procedures for anticipated and unanticipated closures where all parties can engage, and a separate one when a party cannot or will not. (2) Discuss with the mentor: feelings and reasons, positive experiences, how and when they will tell mentee and family, post-closure contact rules, plan for the last meeting, possible rematching. (3) Same discussion with mentee and family. (4) Exit interviews with mentor, mentee, parent. (5) Written rematching policy; document that procedures were followed. (6) Publish closure terms and post-match contact rules, including digital and social media. (7) At the end of the agreed term, explore continuation with all parties; hold a final celebration where relevant.
• Example language (illustrative, staff to mentor): "When will you tell him, and how? It matters that he hears it from you, with a reason he can understand."
• Watch for: mentors who want to disappear quietly; youth who blame themselves. Direct endings with a plausible explanation and a goodbye were received best; indirect endings left some youth asking what they had done wrong and reluctant to trust a new mentor [source: Spencer et al. 2017].

4.13 Programme self-monitoring

• Purpose / when: Ongoing. Clutterbuck reports that measurement helps manage programmes and that good-practice reminders in the first 12 months improved session quality [source: Clutterbuck].
• Steps: [synthesis] Track match length, proportion reaching the commitment, closure type (planned and completed, planned not completed, agency-ended) and reasons, using Spencer et al.'s categories as codes.
• Watch for: rising agency-ended closures, which signal weak matches.

Part B. Tools inside the relationship

4.14 First meeting (developmental mentoring)

• Purpose / when: Rapport-building phase, meeting one [source: AAU Mentor Training Book].
• Steps (the workbook's seven-step structure): (1) Mentee introduces themselves. (2) Mentor introduces themselves. (3) Follow-up questions where either wants to go deeper. (4) Set expectations and define the purpose. (5) Agree homework for the mentee. (6) Schedule the next meeting. (7) Each reflects afterwards on the fit (4.16). Suggested introduction content: education, work experience, interests, values, hopes and dreams, and a story of a failure and what was learned. The workbook holds that vulnerability can shortcut trust; agree mutual confidentiality (state its limits, see 3).
• Example language (illustrative): "I'll go second. Tell me how you got here, and one thing that went wrong along the way that taught you something. I'll do the same."
• Watch for: the mentor's introduction swallowing the meeting; a mentee who cannot name any purpose (normal; move to 4.17).

4.15 Mentoring agreement (contracting)

• Purpose / when: End of meeting one or at meeting two; revisit at reviews [source: AAU; EMCC GCoE Beginnings].
• Steps: Agree: overall purpose and main topics; what success means to each; logistics (how, where, when); how to keep momentum and get back on track; how meetings will be evaluated and feedback given; how open each is willing to be [source: AAU]. Add the confidentiality limits, the fact that mentoring is not counselling or therapy, the mentor's supervision arrangements, any conflicts of interest and how either can end the arrangement [source: EMCC GCoE]. In schemes covered by the International Standards for Mentoring Programmes in Employment, all participants should be trained [source: Clutterbuck].
• Example language (illustrative): "If either of us feels this has stalled, how would you like us to raise it?"
• Watch for: agreements that only cover logistics. Mismatched expectations are the core trouble the UCL guide addresses with a learning agreement [source: UCL quick guide].

4.16 Fit reflection after the first meeting

• Purpose / when: After meeting one [source: AAU].
• Steps: Each privately considers: gut feeling; whether trust seems possible; whether you are different enough but not too different; cultural influences; potential. If there is no chemistry, talk honestly to the programme manager about rematching.
• Example language (illustrative, self-talk): "Could I tell this person about a real mistake?"
• Watch for: pressure to persist with a clearly poor fit.

4.17 Direction setting: purpose and goal questions

• Purpose / when: Direction-setting phase and the start of each meeting [source: AAU].
• Steps: (1) Explore purpose and vision before specific goals. (2) At meeting two, prepare in advance and realign expectations. (3) Use exploratory questions; the workbook lists, among others, "What would you like to achieve from this session?" and "How will you know if you have reached the goal?" (4) Keep goals measurable but broad enough to allow discovery [source: AAU]. (5) Youth matches: keep early goals relational (consistency, enjoyment); later use the trust to encourage goals and new experiences [source: Building Relationships].
• Example language (illustrative): "If this went really well, what would be different for you in a year?" / "What's the most important part of that?"
• Watch for: goals the mentor chose; goals so narrow nothing new can emerge.

4.18 Dialogue framework for ongoing meetings

• Purpose / when: Progress-making phase, every meeting [source: AAU workbook's own framework; step order partly reconstructed (uncertain)].
• Steps: (1) Agree purpose, agenda and time. (2) Review developments since last time. (3) Take notes. (4) Focus on the mentee's chosen topic. (5) Mentor summarises to confirm understanding. (6) Help the mentee find options consistent with their values. (7) Mentee summarises. (8) Mentee defines their own homework. (9) Evaluate the meeting and name key takeaways. (10) Set the next date.
• Example language (illustrative): "Before we finish, can you sum up where you've got to, and what you'll try before we next meet?"
• Watch for: the mentor summarising for the mentee at step 7; the mentor setting homework.

4.19 Listening at depth (Clutterbuck's five modes)

• Purpose / when: Every conversation; a self-monitoring tool [source: AAU, attributed to Clutterbuck].
• Steps: Notice which mode you are in: (1) waiting to talk; (2) listening to disagree; (3) listening to understand; (4) listening to help the other person understand themselves, curious about their assumptions and beliefs; (5) listening openly without agenda, using all senses and intuition. Modes 1–2 are treated as the opposite of listening; aim for 3–5. Check the listed barriers: mismatched expectations, intrusive own thoughts, preconceptions, lack of respect or chemistry, noise, language or cultural barriers, stress or fatigue [source: AAU, citing Poulsen 2012]. Allow silence; doing nothing can be a contribution [source: AAU]. Youth: let the mentee steer what is discussed and how much is disclosed; if they change subject, let it go [source: Building Relationships].
• Example language (illustrative): "Say more about that." (then wait).
• Watch for: your next sentence forming while they talk (mode 1); mentor talk share above about 20% [source: AAU].

4.20 Summarising

• Purpose / when: Mid-conversation and closing [source: AAU].
• Steps: Summarise in the mentee's own words, not yours; listen with empathy rather than toward your own interests; then ask the mentee to summarise too.
• Example language (illustrative): "So you said it's 'not the work, it's who gets credit.' Have I got that right?"
• Watch for: summaries that quietly reframe toward the mentor's preferred solution.

4.21 Constructive challenge

• Purpose / when: Progress phase, once trust exists, when the mentee is stuck in an unhelpful pattern [source: AAU, attributed to Clutterbuck; Cranfield Trust lists challenging constructively without being prescriptive as a core ability].
• Steps: (1) Target one of four things: behaviour, perception, values, or assumptions, never the person. (2) Ask the mentee to explain, e.g. what they were trying to achieve, how they perceived the incident, which values they were applying, what assumptions they were making. (3) Share your own feelings to make the challenge easier to hear. (4) Adjust for face-saving cultures [source: AAU].
• Example language (illustrative): "I notice I'm feeling a bit uneasy as you describe that meeting. What were you assuming he'd think when you said nothing?"
• Watch for: defensiveness (reduce intensity, return to listening); challenge too early in youth matches, where it can read as the reforming stance [synthesis].

4.22 Advice-giving ground rules

• Purpose / when: Only when the mentee asks or agrees [source: AAU, attributed to Leo Smith; secondary].
• Steps: Check four hidden assumptions: you know something they don't; they need your advice; you are the right person; now is the time. Then: give space for their own solution first; say what the advice rests on (experience, observation, instinct, research); check whether you are helping them or showing you have the answer; check they understood the intent and can apply it in their context. Youth: give advice sparingly, practically, and never preach values; model them [source: Building Relationships].
• Example language (illustrative): "Would it help to hear what I did in a similar spot? It's one person's experience, so take what fits."
• Watch for: the mentee adopting advice wholesale (dependency) or nodding and ignoring it.

4.23 Between-meeting reflection and homework

• Purpose / when: Progress phase [source: AAU].
• Steps: The mentee defines the task; between meetings they reflect on progress, what is and isn't going well, new insights, whether priorities still match values, and motivation; bring this to the next meeting's review step.
• Example language (illustrative): "What would be a useful small experiment to try before we meet?"
• Watch for: homework never mentioned again; tasks set by the mentor.

4.24 Meeting evaluation

• Purpose / when: End of each meeting or periodically [source: AAU].
• Steps: Each answers: main takeaway; what I'd like the other to do more or less of; how well each listened; who generated the answers and who talked most; what I'd do differently.
• Example language (illustrative): "Who did most of the talking today? Was that useful?"
• Watch for: polite non-answers; ask for one thing to change.

4.25 Relationship review and re-contracting

• Purpose / when: At set intervals and whenever conversations become formulaic, uncomfortable or drifting [source: UCL quick guide, citing Clutterbuck's "Seven Layers of Mentoring"].
• Steps: (1) Build regular reviews into the agreement. (2) Ask what is working well and what else the mentee needs from the sessions. (3) Observe progress and ask for feedback so talking about what isn't working becomes normal. (4) If the relationship has lost its way, re-contract; treat this as normal development, not failure. (5) If rapport has faded, refresh common ground by sharing recent interests and experiences, and name differences as valuable [source: UCL quick guide].
• Example language (illustrative): "We've drifted into catch-ups. Shall we look again at what you want from these?"
• Watch for: frequent cancellations and ignored actions, which the UCL guide lists as warning signs.

4.26 Structured reflection tools

• Purpose / when: Direction setting and review; optional [source: AAU].
• Steps: Choose one: Mapping achievements and learnings (milestones, key learnings, goals completed, new skills); Inner Development Goals (23 skills in five dimensions: being, thinking, relating, collaborating, acting; innerdevelopmentgoals.org); Career Canvas (passion, personality, skills, value, impact, customers, channels, network, giving, receiving; adapted from Clark et al. 2012); Cultural differences and similarities (conversation starters plus Trompenaars & Hampden-Turner's seven dimensions). Use as conversation prompts, not tests.
• Example language (illustrative): "Let's map what you've done since we started. What surprises you looking at it?"
• Watch for: the tool replacing conversation.

4.27 Building a wider developmental network

• Purpose / when: Progress and ending phases, especially in workplace mentoring [source: Kram & Isabella 1985].
• Steps: Kram & Isabella found peers can provide coaching, information and support at every career stage, and mentees may consult a peer rather than a mentor at some points. [synthesis] Help the mentee list who already provides each career and psychosocial function, identify gaps and plan contacts; the mentor may share contacts or opportunities at the end [source for sharing: AAU].
• Example language (illustrative): "Who else gives you honest feedback? Who opens doors? Where's the gap?"
• Watch for: exclusive reliance on the mentor; sponsorship sliding in where the programme excludes it (Cranfield's code says mentors should not act as sponsors unless the programme specifies it).

4.28 Youth: shared activities

• Purpose / when: Beginning stage onwards; the main vehicle of youth mentoring [source: Building Relationships].
• Steps: (1) Start with fun, low-pressure activities; keep schoolwork brief, optional and later. (2) Let the mentee help choose; offer a range of options because many young people need help generating ideas; keep an "idea file" together. (3) Weave learning in naturally (reading signs, scoring games). (4) Use activities as conversation starters. (5) Negotiate costs and set spending limits, acknowledging requests then finding cheaper options. (6) Follow the programme's approved-activities list [source: EEP B.3.3].
• Example language (illustrative): "Here are three things we could do this week. Which one, or got a better idea?"
• Watch for: expensive outings or gifts becoming the basis of the match.

4.29 Youth: holding steady through testing

• Purpose / when: Challenging-and-testing stage [source: Building Relationships].
• Steps: (1) Expect boundary-testing and possible acting out; frame it as normal. (2) Stay consistent; reassure that you will keep coming. (3) Address the problem behaviour without rejection, separating what they did from who they are. (4) Raise sensitive issues early rather than letting them build. (5) Notice your own difficult feelings and take them to programme staff.
• Example language (illustrative): "That wasn't OK, and I'm still coming next Thursday."
• Watch for: mentor withdrawal or punishment (cancelling meetings), which confirms the mentee's distrust.

4.30 Youth: making room for a reticent mentee

• Purpose / when: Any stage; some young people take months to open up [source: Building Relationships].
• Steps: Don't push; let silence be part of the relationship; check in gently once and accept "no"; say directly that they can confide in you without judgment; keep the focus on the friendship, not on extracting information. Take responsibility for scheduling; low enthusiasm does not mean the mentee doesn't value you.
• Example language (illustrative): "You seem quieter today. You don't have to talk about it. I'm around if you want to."
• Watch for: persistent withdrawal plus other distress signs (4.31).

Part C. Safety, referral and ending

4.31 Recognising the need for clinical care and making a referral

• Purpose / when: Whenever signs suggest a mental-health problem beyond the mentor's role. ICF's guidance is written for coaches; it is applied here to mentors [source: ICF, Hullinger & DiGirolamo 2018; EMCC GCoE].
• Signs (ICF): (1) Impaired daily functioning (self-care, work or school, home, leisure), weighed by duration, frequency and intensity; weeks of impairment warrants help; ICF calls this the most important indicator. (2) Lack of progress because of psychological barriers: unresolved past issues, repeated emotional processing without insight, self-defeating patterns, feeling stuck as a victim. (3) Distress signs: marked mood change (irritability, anger, anxiety, sadness), falling work or school performance, social withdrawal, change in weight or appearance including neglected hygiene, sleep disturbance. (4) Clusters or persistent patterns matter more than any single sign. (5) Issues named as warranting referral: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, substance misuse, suicidal ideation, thought disorders. (6) Signals in the mentor: feeling responsible for the mentee, pressure to solve their problems, anxiety about their issues, feeling you've failed them, or the mentee becoming over-dependent; these call for consultation with your supervisor. [synthesis, youth matches: also disclosures of abuse, self-harm, running away, or a young person describing being unsafe at home; these go to programme staff the same day.]
• Steps (ICF): (1) Meet privately, unhurried. (2) Open with concern and care; be gentle, direct, honest, non-judgmental. (3) Name the specific changes you've noticed. (4) Ask open questions, listen, validate, allow silence. (5) Ask how they feel about the suggestion. (6) Restate your care. (7) Share resources; have a list of trusted therapists with specialties. (8) Help with next steps, e.g. booking while together. (9) Leave the door open to return to the subject. Normalise therapy (many healthy people use it; asking for help is a strength); use an analogy such as seeing the right specialist; expect a first refusal; respect their choice. Youth matches: the mentor tells programme staff, who arrange referral with the family [source: EEP B.5.10].
• Can mentoring continue? ICF: yes, if the client is functioning and still progressing on the agreed goals while seeing a counsellor; if not, pause until the psychological issue is addressed. Revisit the agreement to clarify scope; accept that the mentee may not share therapy content [source: ICF 2018].
• Example language (illustrative): "Over the last few weeks you've seemed exhausted and you've mentioned not sleeping. I care how you're doing. I wonder whether talking to someone trained in this might help alongside what we do here."
• Watch for: the mentor quietly becoming the mentee's counsellor; for a therapist who mentors, the pull to start treating the mentee (refer out instead) [synthesis].

4.32 Risk and emergencies

• Purpose / when: Any sign of immediate danger to self or others [source: ICF 2018; EEP B.3.3; EMCC GCoE confidentiality limits].
• Steps: (1) If someone is in immediate danger, call local emergency services. (2) Stay with the person until help arrives where safe; listen without arguing, threatening or judging. (3) Lethal-means safety: ask about access to things they could use to harm themselves or others and ask them to hand these to someone for safekeeping; agree who can be told [source: ICF]. (4) Suicide concern without immediate danger: connect them with a crisis line (ICF lists Befrienders Worldwide and IASP resources) and, if unsure of urgency, consult a clinician on your list. (5) Youth programmes: follow the programme's mandated-reporting and emergency procedures and inform staff at once [source: EEP B.3.3]. (6) Safety outranks confidentiality; the limits should already be in the agreement [source: ICF; EMCC GCoE]. [synthesis: as a clinician-supervisor, give volunteer mentors a written one-page crisis route with numbers and the staff on-call contact.]
• Example language (illustrative): "I'm worried about your safety right now. I'm not going to leave you on your own with this. Let's call someone together."
• Watch for: mentors trying to manage risk alone or promising secrecy.

4.33 Responding to disclosures (youth)

• Purpose / when: When a young person discloses abuse, neglect, self-harm or another serious problem [source: Building Relationships; EEP B.3.3].
• Steps: (1) Listen calmly; reassure; do not criticise. (2) Do not promise to keep it secret. (3) Do not discuss it with the family. (4) Contact programme staff promptly and follow mandated-reporting policy. [synthesis: write down what was said in the young person's words, with date and time; do not question for detail; leave investigation to the authorities.]
• Example language (illustrative): "Thank you for telling me. I can't keep this just between us, because it's about keeping you safe. I'll tell [staff name] today, and I'll tell you what happens next."
• Watch for: mentor guilt or anger leading to confronting parents.

4.34 Managing boundaries with the family (youth)

• Purpose / when: Throughout youth matches; family interference is a documented cause of early endings [source: Building Relationships; Spencer 2007].
• Steps: Keep contact with parents cordial, limited and focused on activities; stay out of family disputes and discipline; don't criticise parents even when agreeing with the mentee; take tensions to staff. Follow programme rules on money, transport, overnight trips, social media and photos [source: EEP B.3.3].
• Example language (illustrative): "That sounds hard at home. I'm not the right person to sort that out with your mum, but I'm glad you told me."
• Watch for: the mentor being recruited as an ally against a parent.

4.35 Ending: celebrate, transition, redefine

• Purpose / when: Winding-down and moving-on phases [source: AAU; Building Relationships; Kram & Isabella; EEP B.6.7–6.9].
• Steps: (1) Start preparing well before the last meeting; for youth, plan with the match supervisor. (2) Review the relationship together: revisit the original goals, name growth you've seen, share key insights. (3) Listen to and affirm feelings, including fears about the ending. (4) Celebrate (in-person meeting or online "graduation"). (5) Discuss next steps and whether someone else will take on a mentor role. (6) Agree what the relationship becomes: informal contact, occasional check-ins, or none, and the boundaries that apply; in youth programmes follow published post-closure contact rules, including digital contact. (7) Pass on resources, contacts or opportunities [source: AAU]. (8) Keep confidentiality after ending and do not exploit the former relationship [source: EMCC GCoE].
• Example language (illustrative): "When we started you said you wanted to stop dreading Mondays. Looking back, what's changed? Here's what I've noticed."
• Watch for: anger, loss or anxiety at separation, which Kram describes as typical [source: Kram & Isabella]; mentors who feel guilty leaving for life reasons [source: Spencer et al. 2017].

4.36 Mentor supervision and reflective practice

• Purpose / when: Throughout [source: EMCC GCoE; EEP B.5.9–5.12; Cranfield Trust].
• Steps: Mentors meet a qualified supervisor or peer-supervision group at a frequency suited to their practice, keep evidence of reflective practice, and bring ethical dilemmas and possible breaches. Tell the mentee you are supervised and that supervision is itself confidential. In youth programmes, programme staff fill this role via check-ins and post-match training. [synthesis: a psychotherapist supervising volunteer mentors should help them spot transference-like pulls (rescuing, over-identification) without turning supervision into therapy for the mentor.]
• Example language (illustrative, supervisor): "What do you find yourself wanting to do for him that he could do for himself?"
• Watch for: the ICF coach-side signals in 4.31(6).

5. Handling problems

Sourced guidance is tagged; everything tagged [synthesis] is this guide's own recommendation.

Early endings (the central risk in youth mentoring). Spencer's 2007 study found fewer than half of matches last beyond a few months and named seven overlapping causes: mentor or mentee abandonment, unrealistic expectations, limited mentor relational skills (including bridging cultural difference), family interference, low mentee motivation, inadequate agency support, poor fit. In a later 48-match study about 43% ended before the one-year commitment, and nearly two-thirds ended for reasons other than life changes, which the authors regard as potentially preventable [source: Spencer 2007; Spencer et al. 2017]. Responses: screen for relational and cultural skills; set realistic expectations in training; build closure into the initial agreement; monitor weaker matches closely; help families prioritise the match; hold mentors accountable for a direct goodbye [source: same].

Mentor dissatisfaction and "cover stories". Dissatisfied mentors often cite work or family pressure rather than saying they feel unappreciated or ineffective [source: Spencer et al. 2017]. Response: at check-ins ask about closeness and satisfaction directly; feed back evidence of the mentee's attachment and progress; offer coaching on what the mentor finds hard [source: EEP B.5.12; synthesis].

Missed meetings, gradual drift, mentor abandonment. Youth mentors should own scheduling rather than wait for the young person [source: Building Relationships]. Frequent cancellations are a warning sign in adult schemes [source: UCL quick guide]. Responses: staff contact at the first missed fortnight [synthesis]; if a mentor becomes unreachable, the agency closes the match formally, tells the young person plainly that it was not their fault, and considers rematching [source: EEP B.6.3–6.5; Spencer et al. 2017 on youth self-blame; synthesis on wording].

Mentee disengaged, "doesn't need a mentor", or silent. Low enthusiasm does not mean low value; don't push; let the young person steer topics [source: Building Relationships]. In adult schemes, check underlying fears: of getting it wrong, of exposing vulnerability, of change, of disagreeing, of losing face [source: UCL quick guide]. If disinterest persists after review, end well rather than let it fade [source: Spencer et al. 2017].

Testing and acting out (youth). Expect it; stay consistent, separate behaviour from person, raise issues early (4.29) [source: Building Relationships].

The reforming mentor. Mentors who aim to change the young person, preach values or make meetings conditional produce failed matches [source: Building Relationships]. Response: in supervision, reframe success as consistency and enjoyment for the first months; ask what the mentor is trying to fix and why [synthesis].

Advice overload and dependency. Use the advice ground rules (4.22) and the 20% talk guide [source: AAU]. Over-dependence and the mentor feeling responsible for the mentee's problems are ICF referral and consultation signals [source: ICF 2018]. Response: return decisions to the mentee; widen their network (4.27) [synthesis].

Power silencing honest talk. Senior mentors can inhibit disagreement; the mentor works to defuse their power, and regular review normalises feedback in both directions [source: UCL quick guide, citing Reitz].

Formulaic or stalled conversations. Use review questions and re-contract; treat this as normal development [source: UCL quick guide] (4.25).

Poor fit or no chemistry. Raise it honestly with the programme manager and seek a rematch [source: AAU]; programmes need a written rematching policy [source: EEP B.6.5].

Mismatched expectations. Prevent through contracting and a learning agreement [source: UCL quick guide; AAU]; in youth programmes through realistic recruitment and training [source: EEP B.1.1, B.3.2].

Family interference. Keep cordial, limited contact; don't take sides; involve staff [source: Building Relationships]. Staff help families prioritise the relationship [source: Spencer et al. 2017].

Cultural difference. Match with culture in mind; train in cultural awareness; deliver challenge with care in face-saving cultures; name and value differences [source: EEP B.4.1; Spencer 2007; AAU; UCL quick guide].

Emotional difficulties beyond scope; overwhelm in a meeting. Use the ICF signs and referral steps (4.31); pause mentoring if no progress is possible [source: ICF 2018]. If the mentee becomes acutely distressed in a meeting: slow down, stop problem-solving, listen, ask what would help right now, check safety, and agree a next step including who else they can contact that day [synthesis]. Mentors should not attempt trauma processing or deep exploration of past experiences; that is counselling territory [source: Cranfield Trust; EMCC GCoE; synthesis on trauma].

Risk to self or others; abuse disclosure. Follow 4.32–4.33; safety overrides confidentiality [source: ICF; EEP B.3.3; EMCC GCoE].

Boundary violations. No romantic or sexual relationship with a current mentee; declare and manage conflicts of interest or withdraw [source: EMCC GCoE]; Cranfield's code bars physical intimacy [source: Cranfield Trust]. Youth programmes regulate physical contact, money, gifts, transport, overnight trips, social media and photos [source: EEP B.3.3]. Response to a breach: staff investigate, close the match if needed and follow reporting duties [synthesis].

Ruptures. No source cited gives a specific rupture-repair procedure for mentoring [uncertain]. [synthesis] Name the strain early, take responsibility for your part, ask what the mentee experienced, and agree what to do differently; in youth matches, involve staff if the young person withdraws after a conflict.

Endings that go badly. Abrupt or agency-only endings leave youth confused, angry, self-blaming and wary of new mentors [source: Spencer et al. 2017]. If a mentor has vanished: staff explain the ending clearly, affirm the young person, and give them a chance to say what they feel; consider a letter from the mentor if obtainable [synthesis].

Clinician-specific issues [synthesis]. (1) Don't mentor your own therapy clients or treat your mentees. (2) When a client has a mentor, with consent coordinate roles so the mentor isn't drawn into therapeutic work. (3) If you mentor a junior clinician, keep mentoring separate from clinical supervision with line-management or sign-off responsibility, and say which role you are in.

Sources

Sources:

• Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, 4th ed. (MENTOR, 2015), Iowa HHS copy (standards 1–3 read; text truncated after Training)
• Montgomery County DHHS 2018 Guidance Document for Youth Mentoring Programs (restates EEP standards 4–6 with benchmark numbers)
• Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, ACF Peer TA
• Clutterbuck, What makes a good mentor (Scottish Mentoring Network)
• Cranfield Trust: introduction to mentoring
• AAU Mentor Training Book (Aalborg University / Mentor Wonderland, 2024)
• EMCC Global Code of Ethics, v4, December 2025
• ICF: Referring a Client to Therapy (Hullinger & DiGirolamo, 2018)
• Spencer 2007, Understanding the failure of youth mentoring relationships (SSWR abstract)
• Spencer, Basualdo-Delmonico, Walsh & Drew, Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (Youth & Society)
• Kram & Isabella 1985, Mentoring Alternatives (Academy of Management Journal)
• Garringer & Jucovy, Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentors (National Mentoring Center, 2007/2008)
• UCL ACCELERATE Quick Guide: Difficulties and Differences

Further reading (not drawn on) [uncertain where relied on via secondary summaries]:

• MENTOR (2015). Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, 4th ed. Boston: MENTOR.
• Clutterbuck, D. (2004). Everyone Needs a Mentor, 4th ed. London: CIPD.
• Clutterbuck, D., & Lane, G. (eds.) (2004). The Situational Mentor. Aldershot: Gower.
• Kram, K. E. (1983). Phases of the mentor relationship. Academy of Management Journal, 26(4), 608–625.
• Morrow, K. V., & Styles, M. B. (1995). Building Relationships with Youth in Program Settings. Philadelphia: Public/Private Ventures (developmental vs prescriptive mentors; reflected only through Garringer & Jucovy).

Further reading (not drawn on): the Association for Coaching's own Code page (AC co-signs the Global Code of Ethics [uncertain]); Clutterbuck's "Seven Layers of Mentoring" (cited via the UCL guide only); the content of each Clutterbuck phase (names only confirmed).