Atlas›Domain VI · Brief, integrative, trauma, hypnosis & coaching›Guide 146
Guide VI-146

Compassion-focused coaching

Paul Gilbert, Anstiss2014
A 36 · L 39 · M 2527 interventions in the Trinity explorer
Client cardCompare
[source: …] where a claim comes from[uncertain] not confirmed in a primary source[synthesis] the writer's reconstruction

1. Introduction

Version followed: compassion-focused coaching (CFC) as the application of Paul Gilbert's Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) to coaching. The coaching sequence below follows the eight-module structure of the Association for Coaching (AC) "Compassion Focused Coaching" signature programme (delivered by clinical psychologist Dr Ashleigh McLellan). The practices are taken from Gilbert's own descriptions (2009; 2020) and from published CMT curricula. The founding coaching text is Anstiss & Gilbert (2014), "Compassionate mind coaching", a chapter in Passmore (ed.), Mastery in Coaching (Kogan Page). Only its catalogue record is drawn on, not its text [uncertain]. [source: AC-CFC; Derby repository record; Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020]

What it is. CFC is a framework, not a single fixed protocol. It is a coaching application of a psychotherapy model. It is aimed at well-functioning coachees whose progress is blocked by self-criticism, perfectionism, shame, fear of failure or burnout. The AC programme targets mainly people in high-pressure and senior roles. [source: AC-CFC]

How change happens (the model's claim). Gilbert describes human minds as "tricky": evolved emotion systems interact with newer abilities for imagination, rumination and self-evaluation. These interactions create loops that keep people stuck. CFT holds that three affect-regulation systems need to be in balance: threat-protection, drive-resource seeking, and soothing-safeness. Hostile self-criticism keeps the threat system running. Change comes from deliberately training the soothing and affiliative system and building a "compassionate self". That self can then guide goal pursuit through supportive self-correction rather than self-attack. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020; AC-CFC]

Gilbert defines compassion as a sensitivity to suffering in self and others, with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it. It has two parts: engaging with suffering, and taking wise action. [source: Gilbert 2020; Beaumont, Irons & McAndrew 2022 citing Gilbert]

Not to be confused with "Coaching with Compassion" (Boyatzis, Smith & Van Oosten), which is a separate model based on Intentional Change Theory. It is not covered here, and its sources are not drawn on here [uncertain].

2. Framework

No primary source drawn on here gives a formal phase model, session count or transition criteria for CFC coaching engagements. Gilbert describes CFT's processes as circular rather than linear. The phases below sequence the AC module order (1 to 8) and a published six-session CMT curriculum into a coaching arc. The ordering, session counts and transition criteria are [synthesis] unless tagged otherwise. [source: AC-CFC; Salford CMT curriculum; Gilbert 2020]

Format. Individual coaching, typically 60 to 90 minutes, fortnightly, with short daily practice between sessions [synthesis]. Published comparators:

  • The AC coach-training programme has 8 webinars [source: AC-CFC].
  • A university CMT curriculum runs 6 sessions [source: Salford CMT curriculum].
  • A CFT/CMT self-help app runs 28 daily sessions of about 15 to 20 minutes [source: Beaumont et al. 2022].

A typical engagement is 6 to 10 sessions [synthesis; uncertain].

Phase 0: Contracting and screening (session 1).

  • Goal: agree goals and the coaching boundary, confidentiality limits and supervision; screen for clinical need.
  • The Global Code of Ethics (EMCC, AC and co-signatories) says coaching is not counselling, psychotherapy or medical intervention. It requires members to work within competence, to explain the limits of confidentiality, including danger to self or others, and to encourage clients toward other help when that would serve them better. [source: Global Code of Ethics v4]
  • Move on when goals are agreed and there are no referral indicators (see section 5) [synthesis].

Phase 1: Engagement and psychoeducation (AC modules 1 to 3).

  • Cover what compassion is and is not, and why it applies to coaching.
  • Cover the "tricky brain": old brain versus new brain loops.
  • Map the three systems onto the coachee's work life. [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020]
  • Move on when the coachee can describe their own threat and drive loop in the model's terms and sees self-criticism as understandable rather than a personal failing [synthesis].

Phase 2: Body-based soothing and building the compassionate self.

  • Practices: breathing, posture, voice and facial expression, safe place, compassionate other, compassionate self. [source: Salford CMT curriculum sessions 1 to 2; Gilbert 2009; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Move on when the coachee can briefly evoke a calmer, more grounded state on cue, even if only partly [synthesis].

Phase 3: Fears, blocks and resistances to compassion (AC module 4).

  • Explore beliefs that compassion is weak or indulgent, and distress or grief that kindness triggers. [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2009]
  • This phase runs throughout and is revisited whenever practice stalls [synthesis].

Phase 4: Working with self-criticism (AC modules 5 and 8).

  • Distinguish self-correction from self-attack, analyse the critic's function, and build a "compassionate inner coach". [source: AC-CFC; Salford CMT curriculum session 4; Gilbert 2009]

Phase 5: Compassionate reasoning and writing (AC module 6).

  • Thought balancing and compassionate letter writing. [source: AC-CFC; Salford CMT curriculum session 3]

Phase 6: Multiple selves and dilemmas (AC module 7).

  • Angry, anxious and sad selves; compassion-chair work on dilemmas. [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2020]

Phase 7: Compassionate action and consolidation.

  • Courageous behaviour toward goals, behavioural experiments, the three flows of compassion, maintenance plan and ending. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020; Salford CMT curriculum session 6; Beaumont et al. 2022 sessions 26 to 28]
  • End when goals are met and the coachee uses the inner-coach stance independently [synthesis].

Coaching–psychotherapy boundary as the bodies publish it.

  • ICF: coaching focuses on the present, goals and the future with well-functioning people. Therapy addresses psychopathology, emotions and the past in people with dysfunction or disorder. A coach may explore the past or emotions to understand the client's current story but does not diagnose or treat. ICF's analogy: the coach is like an athletic trainer, the therapist like a sports-medicine doctor. [source: ICF 2018]
  • EMCC/AC Global Code: members respect the boundary that coaching, mentoring and supervision are not counselling, psychotherapy or medical intervention. [source: Global Code of Ethics v4]
  • The CFC authors: the AC programme page frames CFC as CFT "integrated into the coaching" for blocks to progress. It gives no scope statement. The scope position of Anstiss & Gilbert (2014) was not seen [uncertain].
  • For a psychotherapist offering CFC: keep a separate coaching contract. If clinical indicators appear, either move to a therapy contract with full assessment, informed consent and records, or refer on. Do not drift between the two roles [synthesis].

3. Guiding principles

  • Compassion = engagement plus action. It means turning toward difficulty and then doing something wise about it. In practice: every session moves from noticing what hurts or blocks to a concrete helpful step. [source: Gilbert 2020; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Compassion is not softness. Wisdom, strength and courage are core. In practice: present compassion to high achievers as performance-supporting courage, not lowering standards. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • "Not your fault", but your responsibility. Brains and histories are not chosen, and safety strategies are understandable responses. In practice: reduce shame first; responsibility-taking follows once self-attack drops. [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Functional view of self-criticism. The critic often serves as a protective safety strategy. In practice: ask what the critic is trying to protect before trying to change it. [source: Gilbert 2009; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Self-correction versus self-attack. The target is not to stop high standards but to change the tone and purpose of self-monitoring. In practice: check whether an inner voice aims to improve or to punish. [source: Salford CMT curriculum; Gilbert 2009]
  • Balance the three systems. Overactive drive can exhaust a person, and threat dominates under self-criticism. In practice: track which system is running when goals stall. [source: Gilbert 2009; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Safeness is not the absence of threat. Safeness means the presence of supportive signals, which opens exploration. In practice: build an internal secure base (encouragement) and safe haven (soothing), and know which one the coachee needs at a given moment. [source: Gilbert 2020]
  • Psychoeducation before practice. Coachees should understand why they do each exercise. In practice: explain the physiology, such as how thoughts and images affect the body, before any imagery or breathing. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020]
  • Distress tolerance first. Without it, people shut down when they turn toward pain. In practice: build grounding and soothing capacity before self-critical or emotional material. [source: Gilbert 2020]
  • The body is a route in. Breathing, posture, voice and facial expression are trained deliberately. In practice: use "method acting" of the compassionate self, not only talk. [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Warmth must be felt, not just reasoned. Logical alternatives alone are not enough; they must feel supportive. In practice: ask "how does that sound in a kind voice?", not only "is it accurate?" [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Expect fears, blocks and resistances. Kindness can trigger grief, threat or distrust. In practice: normalise and contain these rather than pushing practice harder. [source: Gilbert 2009; AC-CFC]
  • The practitioner models compassion. Warmth, non-judgement and the ability to contain emotion show up in the coaching relationship itself. In practice: your tone in response to setbacks is an intervention. [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Effort over outcome. Reinforce trying, not only success. In practice: debrief experiments by what was attempted. [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Three flows. Compassion flows from self to others, from others to self, and toward oneself, and each can be blocked. In practice: assess all three, because a coachee may give easily but not receive. [source: Salford CMT curriculum; Gilbert 2020]
  • Common humanity rather than comparison. Self-compassion matters most in failure, whereas self-esteem rises and falls with success and comparison. In practice: frame setbacks as shared human experience. [source: Gilbert 2009 citing Neff]
  • Gradualness for self-rejecting people. Start with psychoeducation and build slowly. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Work within competence and use supervision. In practice: take boundary questions and your own strong reactions to supervision. [source: Global Code of Ethics v4; ICF 2018]

4. Intervention inventory

The sources name and describe these interventions, but most do not publish step-by-step scripts. Where a source names a practice without giving its steps, the steps below are [synthesis] built from the descriptions that were available. All example language is illustrative and written for this guide. Two exercises in the CFT self-help app, the "Compassionate Selfie" and the "Compassionate Kit Bag", are named without any steps and are not described here [uncertain]. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]

4.1 Contracting, boundary and screening conversation

  • Purpose: Agree goals, the coaching–therapy boundary, confidentiality limits and supervision before compassion work begins. Use in session 1 and again whenever the scope shifts. [source: Global Code of Ethics v4; ICF 2018]
  • Steps:
    1. Explain what coaching is and is not: it is not counselling, psychotherapy or medical intervention.
    2. State the limits of confidentiality, including danger to self or others and legal requirements, and seek agreement. In sponsored coaching, agree what the sponsor receives.
    3. Ask briefly about current wellbeing, daily functioning, sleep, mood, any current treatment, and whether past difficulties are active now. These questions are [synthesis], informed by the ICF indicators.
    4. Agree that you will name it if you see signs that another kind of help would serve them better.
    5. Record the agreement.
  • Example language (illustrative): "This is coaching. We work on your goals and how you treat yourself while pursuing them. If something comes up that needs therapy or medical help, I'll say so, and we'll decide together what to do."
  • Watch for: Disclosures that already meet the referral indicators in section 5. If they do, pause, assess, and refer or recontract before starting. [source: ICF 2018]

4.2 What compassion is and is not

  • Purpose: Correct the misconception that compassion means softness, indulgence or lowered standards, which is especially common in senior and high-pressure roles. Use in Phase 1 (AC module 1). [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps:
    1. Give the definition: sensitivity to suffering, plus commitment to alleviate and prevent it.
    2. Name the two parts: engaging (turning toward) and acting (doing something wise).
    3. List the qualities of wisdom, strength or courage, and commitment.
    4. Contrast self-compassion with self-esteem: self-compassion is not contingent on success and does not rely on comparison.
    5. Ask the coachee for their own associations with the word "compassion", and note them for the fears-and-blocks work (4.13).
  • Example language (illustrative): "Think of the best coach or mentor you've had. They didn't let you off the hook, and they didn't humiliate you either. That combination is what we mean by compassion."
  • Watch for: Eye-rolling or "that's not for my industry". Treat this as data for 4.13; do not argue.

4.3 The tricky brain: old brain and new brain loops

  • Purpose: Show how evolved threat responses get caught in loops with newer capacities such as rumination, imagination and self-evaluation, so the coachee can see stuckness as a brain pattern rather than a character flaw. Use in Phase 1 (AC module 2). [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2009; Salford CMT curriculum]
  • Steps:
    1. Explain that thoughts and images change physiology. Gilbert uses examples such as how imagining a meal triggers appetite. So imagining a critic's attack triggers stress, and imagining kindness can soothe. [source: Gilbert 2009]
    2. Take one recent stuck moment, such as a sleepless night before a board meeting.
    3. Draw the loop: the old-brain alarm, then new-brain rumination about what could go wrong, which feeds the alarm again.
    4. Name it as "not your fault": nobody designed their own brain.
    5. Add: "and we can train it".
  • Example language (illustrative): "Your brain is doing exactly what it was built to do, scanning for danger. The rumination keeps feeding the alarm. You didn't choose that design. But you can choose what you practise."
  • Watch for: Relief or reduced shame is a good sign. If the coachee hears "not your fault" as "no responsibility", clarify the difference (see section 3).

4.4 Three-systems (three circles) mapping

  • Purpose: Help the coachee understand their emotional patterns through the threat, drive and soothing systems, and target the balance between them. Use in Phase 1 (AC module 3), then revisit throughout. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020; Beaumont et al. 2022; AC-CFC]
  • Steps:
    1. Describe each system:
      • Threat: detecting and protecting; anxiety, anger and disgust; "better safe than sorry".
      • Drive: seeking resources and goals; excitement; can be over-stimulated and exhausting.
      • Soothing and safeness: calm, contentment, connection; regulates the other two.
    2. Ask the coachee to draw three circles, sized by how much of their week each system occupies.
    3. Ask for a 1 to 10 rating of how often the threat system is activated, and what triggers it. This is an exercise used in the CFT app. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]
    4. Link the map to the coaching goal. For example: drive and threat are large and soothing is tiny, so burnout is predictable.
    5. Set a target balance.
  • Example language (illustrative): "If your circles were a budget, where is most of the spend going? And what happens to performance when soothing is almost zero for months?"
  • Watch for: A coachee who sees drive as entirely positive. Explore the cost of a drive that is fuelled by threat.

4.5 Compassionate formulation of safety strategies

  • Purpose: Trace how earlier experiences sensitised the threat system and produced safety strategies such as perfectionism, appeasement, over-work or conflict-avoidance. These strategies made sense then and are costly now. The aim is to reduce shame. Use in Phases 1 and 4. [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Steps:
    1. Identify a current pattern, for example "never delegate".
    2. Ask what it protects against.
    3. Ask when they learned that this was needed. Keep it brief and present-focused in coaching [synthesis].
    4. Validate its function.
    5. List its current unintended costs.
    6. Ask what a compassionate, wise version of protection would look like now.
  • Example language (illustrative): "So taking everything on yourself kept you safe from being criticised. That made sense. What is it costing you now, as head of a team of twenty?"
  • Watch for: Deep historical material, such as abuse, neglect or bullying, opening up with strong distress. In coaching, do not process it. Contain it, ground the coachee (4.7), and consider referral (section 5) [synthesis].

4.6 Soothing rhythm breathing

  • Purpose: Engage the soothing system through slower breathing. This builds a physiological base for later practices. Use in Phase 2 and as a brief practice before difficult conversations. It is named in the CMT curriculum and CFT group materials, and Gilbert describes breathing practices that stimulate the vagus nerve. [source: Salford CMT curriculum; Gilbert 2020; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Steps ([synthesis]; the published audio and scripts are not drawn on):
    1. Sit upright and grounded, feet on the floor.
    2. Let the breath slow and deepen into the belly, with an even, slightly slower rhythm.
    3. Rest attention on the sense of the body slowing.
    4. When the mind wanders, gently return to the breath.
    5. Start with 1 to 3 minutes and build up.
    6. Ask afterwards what the coachee noticed.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Let your breathing find a slightly slower, even rhythm, as if your body is settling. No need to get it right; just notice."
  • Watch for: Gilbert notes that early attempts to induce calm can increase anxiety in some people. If breathing focus raises anxiety, switch to an external focus such as sounds or the feet on the floor (4.7). [source: Gilbert 2020]

4.7 Grounding and sensory practices

  • Purpose: Build distress tolerance and a quick reset. Use these as an alternative where breath focus is aversive. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps:
    1. Choose one practice. The CFT app uses mindful drinking of water, attention to posture and facial expression, a heart-rate exercise, and listening to ambient sounds. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]
    2. Do it for 1 to 2 minutes.
    3. Rate distress before and after on a 0 to 10 scale [synthesis].
  • Example language (illustrative): "Notice three sounds in the room, then the weight of your feet on the floor."
  • Watch for: A coachee who cannot settle at all after several attempts, or who reports zoning out or losing time. This may signal dissociation; assess and consider referral (section 5) [synthesis].

4.8 Face, voice tone and posture ("method acting")

  • Purpose: Use the body to access a compassionate state. Gilbert describes clients "method acting" the compassionate self through posture, voice tone and facial expression. Use in Phase 2. [source: Gilbert 2009; Salford CMT curriculum]
  • Steps ([synthesis] built on the source descriptions):
    1. Adopt an upright, open posture.
    2. Soften the face with a slight, warm expression.
    3. Say a neutral sentence, first in a harsh tone and then in a warm one, and notice the difference in the body.
    4. Practise speaking a self-supportive sentence in the warm tone.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Say 'I made a mistake in that report' the way your critic says it. Now say it the way a wise mentor would. What changes in your chest and shoulders?"
  • Watch for: Embarrassment, which is common. Normalise it as practice, like an actor in rehearsal.

4.9 Safe place imagery

  • Purpose: Create an imagined place that brings feelings of safeness and welcome. Use in Phase 2. [source: Salford CMT curriculum; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Steps ([synthesis]):
    1. After 1 minute of soothing breathing, invite an image of a place, real or imagined, where the coachee feels at ease.
    2. Explore it through the senses: sights, sounds, smells, touch.
    3. Add the idea that the place welcomes them.
    4. Return slowly and debrief.
    5. Use it as a brief cue before stressors.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Let an image of a place come to mind where you feel at ease. It may be somewhere you know or somewhere imagined. Notice the light, the sounds, the temperature."
  • Watch for: Some people cannot form images or find imagery distressing [source: Gilbert 2009]. Accept fragments or a felt sense. If no place feels safe, do not push; this can signal a history that needs clinical care [synthesis].

4.10 Compassionate other (ideal compassionate image)

  • Purpose: Imagine a figure that has the coachee's best interests at heart, as a source of compassion flowing in. Use in Phase 2. [source: Gilbert 2009; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Steps:
    1. Invite an image of an ideal compassionate figure. It may be human or non-human, such as an animal, tree or mountain. [source: Gilbert 2009]
    2. Give it the qualities of wisdom, strength, warmth and non-judgement. [source: Gilbert 2009]
    3. Imagine it looking at the coachee with kindness and wanting good things for them. Notice the response in the body [synthesis].
    4. Debrief.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Imagine a presence that is wise, steady and completely on your side. It knows your struggles and doesn't judge. What would it want for you this week?"
  • Watch for: Grief, tearfulness or "distress calling". Gilbert notes that kindness can reactivate attachment memories. Normalise and contain; do not alarm. [source: Gilbert 2009]

4.11 Compassionate self

  • Purpose: Build an identity with wisdom, strength and caring-commitment that can face difficulties. This becomes the anchor for later work: the inner coach, letters and multiple selves. Use in Phase 2 and throughout. [source: Gilbert 2009; Beaumont et al. 2022; Psychology Tools exercise page]
  • Steps ([synthesis]; Gilbert describes the method acting of posture, voice and face):
    1. Start with soothing breathing (4.6).
    2. Adopt a compassionate posture and expression (4.8).
    3. Imagine having deep wisdom about how hard life can be. Then imagine calm strength. Then imagine a commitment to help.
    4. Recall or imagine acting from this self.
    5. Notice voice tone and how you would treat others.
    6. Practise daily for a few minutes and step into it before hard tasks.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Imagine being at your wisest and steadiest, someone who understands that everyone struggles and is committed to helping. How would you stand? How would your voice sound? How would you walk into Monday's meeting?"
  • Watch for: "It's fake." Frame it as rehearsal: skills feel artificial before they feel natural. One app user reported feeling as if they had an inner therapist with them, which is a sign that the self is taking hold. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]

4.12 Compassionate attention: kindness memories, strengths, savouring, gratitude

  • Purpose: Loosen threat-focused attention by deliberately attending to kindness given and received, personal strengths, pleasant experiences, and gratitude. [source: Gilbert 2009; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Steps:
    1. Recall a time someone was kind to you, or you were kind to someone. Stay with it for 1 to 2 minutes.
    2. List strengths shown this week.
    3. Keep an end-of-day reflection on what went well and what you are grateful for.
    4. Optionally, set a morning prompt: what would make today a good day? [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Example language (illustrative): "Before you review what went wrong today, note one thing you handled with care."
  • Watch for: Lists that become another performance task. Keep the practice brief and warm, not something to grade.

4.13 Exploring fears, blocks and resistances to compassion

  • Purpose: Surface and work with beliefs and reactions that block compassion. These include beliefs that it is weak, soft, self-indulgent, undeserved, or will make you lazy or lose your edge. They also include grief, threat or distrust when kindness is offered. Use in Phase 3, and whenever practice stalls. This is AC module 4. [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2009; Salford CMT curriculum; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps ([synthesis] built on the source descriptions):
    1. After a practice, ask what made it hard.
    2. Check all three flows of compassion: toward others, receiving from others, and toward oneself (see 4.23).
    3. List the feared consequences, for example "If I'm kind to myself I'll stop performing."
    4. Treat each fear as a hypothesis and test it with evidence or a small experiment.
    5. Normalise any grief or sadness that appears.
    6. Go slower, and use smaller doses of practice.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Part of you seems wary of easing off the self-criticism. What do you fear would happen if you did?"
  • Watch for: Strong distress, flashback-like reactions, or dissociation during kindness-focused imagery. Gilbert reports that some people find compassion imagery physiologically stressful, possibly because of grief, conditioned abuse responses or shame. In coaching, step back to grounding (4.7) and consider referral. [source: Gilbert 2009; synthesis]

4.14 Self-correction versus self-attack, and functional analysis of the critic

  • Purpose: Separate the wish to improve from hostile self-attack. Understand what the critic is for, and what is feared if it stops. Use in Phase 4. This is AC module 5. [source: Salford CMT curriculum session 4; Gilbert 2009; AC-CFC]
  • Steps:
    1. Collect typical self-critical statements. Note "shoulds", "oughts" and "musts". [source: Gilbert 2009]
    2. For each statement, ask: is its focus on growth or on punishment? Is it looking forward or backward? Is its tone encouraging or contemptuous? These comparison criteria are [synthesis] built on the source's distinction between self-correction and self-attack.
    3. Ask about the critic's function: what is it trying to protect you from? [source: Gilbert 2009]
    4. Ask what you fear would happen without it. Gilbert lists common fears: becoming lazy, unpleasant or unlovable, or being punished later. [source: Gilbert 2009]
    5. Name its costs, such as constant threat activation, low mood and anxiety.
    6. Agree to keep the function and change the tone.
  • Example language (illustrative): "If your critic were a manager, would you want to work for them? What is it actually trying to make sure of?"
  • Watch for: The coachee defending the critic as the source of their success. Respect this, and test it with small experiments (4.22).

4.15 Imagining and befriending the critic

  • Purpose: Externalise the critic, understand its protective intent, and respond with kindness rather than counter-attack. Use in Phase 4. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022; Salford CMT curriculum, "the bully within"]
  • Steps ([synthesis]):
    1. Ask the coachee to imagine the critic as if it were outside them. What does it look like? What tone does it use? What emotion does it show? What does it want?
    2. Ask how they feel facing it.
    3. Then step into the compassionate self (4.11) and look at the critic from there. Often it turns out to be frightened or over-protective.
    4. Respond from the compassionate self, acknowledging its intent and setting a boundary on its tone.
  • Example language (illustrative): "From your compassionate self, what would you say to that critic, knowing it's trying to keep you from failing?"
  • Watch for: If the critic's voice resembles a specific abuser, or the coachee becomes very distressed, stop the imagery and ground. This is clinical territory; consider referral [synthesis].

4.16 Building a compassionate inner coach

  • Purpose: Install an internal voice that guides and encourages, combining a secure base with a safe haven, to replace the critic in day-to-day performance. Use in Phase 4 and consolidate in Phase 7. This is AC module 8. A CMT curriculum describes creating an "internal compassionate CBT coach". [source: AC-CFC; Salford CMT curriculum; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps ([synthesis]):
    1. From the compassionate self, define what the inner coach would say before, during and after a challenge.
    2. Write three or four short statements.
    3. Rehearse them aloud in a warm tone.
    4. Use them during a real task this week.
    5. Review what helped.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Before the pitch: 'You've prepared; nerves mean it matters.' After a slip: 'What's the learning? What's the next step?'"
  • Watch for: Statements that are just positive affirmations without wisdom. Check that they also include guidance, not only reassurance (the secure-base function). [source: Gilbert 2020]

4.17 Compassionate thought balancing

  • Purpose: Generate alternatives to self-critical or threat-based thoughts that feel supportive, not just logical. Use in Phase 5. This is AC module 6. [source: AC-CFC; Gilbert 2009]
  • Steps ([synthesis] built on Gilbert's account of compassionate reasoning):
    1. Record the situation, the self-critical or threat-based thought, and the emotion it brings.
    2. Step into the compassionate self (breathing and posture).
    3. Write what a wise, kind mind would say. Draw on common humanity, the facts, and helpful next steps.
    4. Read it back in a warm voice.
    5. Rate how supportive it feels, not only how believable it is.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Not 'is this thought accurate?' alone. Read your alternative back in the voice of someone who cares about you. Does it land?"
  • Watch for: Alternatives that are accurate but cold. Gilbert stresses that logic alone does not soothe. [source: Gilbert 2009]

4.18 Compassionate letter writing

  • Purpose: Write to oneself from the compassionate self about a struggle, to integrate wisdom, warmth and helpful direction. Use in Phase 5. [source: AC-CFC; Salford CMT curriculum session 3; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Steps ([synthesis]):
    1. Engage the compassionate self (4.11).
    2. Write a letter to yourself about a current difficulty. Acknowledge the pain, recognise that others share it, understand why it is hard, and suggest wise next steps with warmth.
    3. Read it aloud.
    4. Review it in session. Check for hidden criticism, "shoulds", or simple reassurance.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Write as the wisest, kindest version of you, writing to the part of you that's struggling with this promotion decision."
  • Watch for: Letters that slide into critique. Ask, "How would this read if a friend wrote it to you?"

4.19 Compassion for a younger self (timeline)

  • Purpose: One CMT curriculum uses a timeline of early experiences to offer compassion to one's younger self. [source: Salford CMT curriculum session 3]
  • Steps (coaching-adapted, [synthesis]): Keep it light and present-relevant:
    1. Identify one moment when a current pattern began.
    2. Look at that earlier self from the compassionate self.
    3. Offer one understanding sentence.
    4. Return to present goals.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Looking at the new graduate who decided 'never ask for help', what would you want them to know?"
  • Watch for: This exercise can open traumatic memory. In coaching, do not use it with coachees who report abuse, trauma, or unresolved loss. Stop if distress escalates. It is often better left to therapy [synthesis].

4.20 Multiple selves (angry, anxious and sad selves)

  • Purpose: Explore the "big three" emotions (anger, fear or anxiety, sadness), and sometimes disgust, as different selves with different views. Then bring the compassionate self to each one. Use in Phase 6. This is AC module 7. [source: Gilbert 2020; AC-CFC; Salford CMT curriculum session 6]
  • Steps:
    1. Choose a recent situation, such as being passed over for a role.
    2. Explore one emotion-self at a time. Ask what it thinks, what it feels in the body, what it wants to do, and what it wants for you. The coachee may step into each self as an actor would. [source: Gilbert 2020]
    3. Ask how each self views the others. [source: Gilbert 2020]
    4. Step into the compassionate self and ask how it would understand and guide each self. [source: Gilbert 2020]
    5. Agree on an action guided by the compassionate self.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Let's hear from your angry self first. What does it want to do about the restructure? Now your anxious self. And how does your compassionate self see both of them?"
  • Watch for: One self that dominates or is disowned, often anger in people who appease. Overwhelming affect means you should return to grounding.

4.21 Compassion-chair work for dilemmas

  • Purpose: Resolve an approach-avoid dilemma by exploring each option separately and then reflecting from a compassionate position. Use in Phase 6. [source: Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps:
    1. Set out a chair for each option.
    2. In each chair, explore motives, attention, thinking, body state, impulses, memories, and the best outcome. [source: Gilbert 2020]
    3. Move to a "compassion chair". Use breathing and focusing to engage the compassionate mind. [source: Gilbert 2020]
    4. From there, reflect on both options.
    5. Notice any loss the coachee is less prepared to face. Gilbert notes that dilemmas often involve one. [source: Gilbert 2020]
  • Example language (illustrative): "Sit here as the part that wants to stay. What does it notice and fear? Now the part that wants to leave. Now, from the compassion chair, what do you see?"
  • Watch for: Grief over the road not taken. Acknowledge it rather than rushing the decision.

4.22 Compassionate behaviour and behavioural experiments

  • Purpose: Turn compassion into courageous action toward goals:
    • approach difficult tasks with an encouraging inner tone;
    • test feared predictions, for example "If I don't over-prepare I'll fail";
    • focus on effort. Use in Phase 7 and between sessions. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps:
    1. Pick one avoided or over-controlled task.
    2. State the prediction.
    3. Plan the experiment, such as delegating one item or presenting with 80% preparation.
    4. Rehearse the inner-coach statements (4.16).
    5. Do it.
    6. Debrief on effort and learning, not only outcome. [source: Gilbert 2009] The prediction-and-experiment structure is [synthesis] adapted from guided behavioural experiments.
  • Example language (illustrative): "What would courage plus kindness look like here? What's the smallest version you could try this week?"
  • Watch for: Experiments chosen to prove failure. Make them small and clearly defined.

4.23 Three flows of compassion

  • Purpose: Assess and strengthen compassion flowing to others, from others, and to oneself. [source: Salford CMT curriculum session 6; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps ([synthesis]):
    1. Rate each flow from 0 to 10.
    2. Identify the weakest flow and what blocks it (4.13).
    3. Choose one practice for it. For example: receiving feedback or help without deflecting; an act of kindness toward a colleague; a self-compassion diary.
  • Example language (illustrative): "You give support to your team easily. How easy is it to take support from them?"
  • Watch for: Receiving compassion is often the most threatening flow for high achievers.

4.24 Compassionate cue cards and statements read aloud

  • Purpose: Practise saying compassionate statements out loud to strengthen the voice. One CMT curriculum has people read them to a partner, a mirror, or a phone camera. [source: Salford CMT curriculum session 6]
  • Steps:
    1. Write two or three statements from the compassionate self on cards.
    2. Read them aloud in a warm tone to a mirror or phone camera.
    3. Notice the reaction.
    4. Carry the cards for stressful moments.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Try saying it to the camera as if you were saying it to someone you care about."
  • Watch for: Cringing. Normalise it, and repeat.

4.25 Self-compassion diary and acts of kindness

  • Purpose: Daily practice that consolidates the work between sessions. [source: Salford CMT curriculum session 5; Beaumont et al. 2022]
  • Steps:
    1. Each day, note one difficult moment and how you responded to yourself.
    2. Note what the compassionate self would add.
    3. Note one act of kindness, either given or done for yourself.
    4. Bring the diary to the next session.
  • Example language (illustrative): "Two lines a day is enough. What happened, and what would your inner coach have said?"
  • Watch for: Practice becoming one more burden. Some app users felt more anxious or self-critical when the practice added to their workload. Reduce the dose. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]

4.26 Approaching positive emotions, contentment and play

  • Purpose: Some people fear or avoid positive emotion. Training contentment and calm, not only excitement, helps balance the drive system. [source: Gilbert 2009; Gilbert 2020]
  • Steps ([synthesis]):
    1. Schedule one unproductive, enjoyable or restful activity.
    2. Do it mindfully, as in Gilbert's example of mindful cooking. [source: Gilbert 2020]
    3. Notice any guilt or unease that arises when resting, and treat it with the fears-and-blocks approach (4.13).
  • Example language (illustrative): "What happens inside when you have an evening with nothing to achieve?"
  • Watch for: Pervasive inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia) over weeks. This is a depression indicator; see section 5. [source: ICF 2018]

4.27 The referral conversation

  • Purpose: Raise the need for clinical help when referral indicators appear. [source: ICF 2018]
  • Steps (ICF guidance, paraphrased):
    1. Meet privately and unhurried.
    2. Use a calm, warm, non-judgemental tone and start by expressing concern.
    3. Name the specific changes you have observed.
    4. Ask open questions, listen, and validate. Allow silence.
    5. Ask how they feel about the suggestion.
    6. Restate your care.
    7. Share options and their benefits, and offer practical help with booking.
    8. Keep the door open.
    9. Decide together whether coaching continues alongside therapy, pauses, or resumes later.
  • Example language (illustrative): "I've noticed you've mentioned not sleeping for weeks and feeling there's no point. I care about how you are, and I think this deserves more than coaching can offer. Can we talk about getting you some support?"
  • Watch for: Stigma, cost or cultural barriers. Normalise therapy as skill-building and a sign of strength. You may need to suggest it more than once. [source: ICF 2018]

5. Handling problems

5.1 Signs that a coachee needs referral to clinical care

These indicators are from the ICF guidance, paraphrased. ICF calls them non-diagnostic and says to look for clusters, persistence, frequency and intensity rather than single signs. [source: ICF 2018]

  • Daily functioning (the most important indicator): the issue interferes with self-care, work, home, leisure or relationships and has persisted for weeks.
  • No progress after a reasonable time: past issues keep resurfacing; feelings are processed repeatedly without any movement; self-defeating patterns continue; the coachee identifies as stuck or a victim.
  • General distress signs: marked mood change (irritability, anger, anxiety, sadness); declining performance; withdrawal; change in weight, appearance or hygiene; sleep disturbance.
  • Depression: pervasive sadness, emptiness, hopelessness or loss of interest for more than two weeks, plus symptoms such as worthlessness or excessive guilt, low energy, poor concentration, sleep or appetite change, or recurrent thoughts of death. ICF notes that prolonged, overwhelming grief can also indicate depression.
  • Anxiety: excessive worry most days over months, with restlessness, tension, poor concentration and sleep problems.
  • Trauma: intrusive memories, nightmares or flashbacks; avoidance; negative beliefs about self or world; detachment; hyperarousal, lasting for a month or more after a frightening event.
  • Eating problems: obsessive thoughts about food, or life organised around eating or restriction, with distress or impairment.
  • Substance problems: rising tolerance, reliance, hiding use, neglected obligations, feeling unable to stop.
  • Thought disorder: incoherent or illogical speech, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations.
  • Suicide warning signs: hopelessness, no reason to live, putting affairs in order or giving possessions away, seeking means, reckless behaviour, withdrawal, rage, agitation.
  • The coach's own reactions: feeling responsible for the coachee, pressured to fix things, anxious, out of your depth, or a sense of having failed them; or the coachee becoming over-dependent. In any of these cases, consult a supervisor.

CFC-specific signals [synthesis]. In these cases, stop the exercise, ground, and assess:

  • self-criticism that is pervasive and contemptuous, with shame that dominates functioning, or self-hatred;
  • kindness-focused imagery that repeatedly triggers flashbacks, intense grief or dissociation;
  • a critic voice that is experienced as an external voice, or that directly echoes a specific abuser;
  • burnout with depressive symptoms rather than tiredness alone.

Emergencies. If there is imminent risk to self or others:

  • contact emergency services and stay with the person;
  • ask about access to means and arrange removal or safe storage with someone safe;
  • discuss who can be notified;
  • use crisis lines;
  • do not argue or threaten.

Confidentiality yields to safety. Contract this limit in advance. [source: ICF 2018; Global Code of Ethics v4]

For a psychotherapist-coach: do a standard clinical suicide risk assessment and safety plan within your own professional framework. If you continue with this person, do so under a therapy contract, not a coaching one [synthesis].

After referral. Options [source: ICF 2018]:

  • Continue coaching alongside therapy if the coachee functions day to day and is progressing.
  • Pause coaching until they are ready.
  • Resume coaching later.

Therapists may not confirm contact without a signed release. [source: ICF 2018]

5.2 "Compassion will make me soft and lose my edge"

This is a common fear, and the critic is often protective. [source: Gilbert 2009]

Response:

  • Validate the function of the critic.
  • Reframe compassion as strength, courage and wise guidance (4.2).
  • Separate standards from tone (4.14).
  • Run a time-limited experiment: one week of inner-coach tone on one task, with performance tracked (4.22) [synthesis].

Don't debate. Let evidence from the coachee's own experience do the work [synthesis].

5.3 Fear, grief or distress triggered by compassion practices ("backdraft")

Kindness can reactivate attachment memories, causing sadness, grief or "distress calling". Some people find compassion imagery physiologically stressful. [source: Gilbert 2009]

Response:

  • Normalise and contain these reactions; do not show alarm. [source: Gilbert 2009]
  • Shorten the practice and use external grounding (4.7).
  • Move to more distant imagery, for example a non-human compassionate image.
  • Return to psychoeducation. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]

If the reaction is intense or recurrent, apply 5.1 [synthesis].

5.4 Breathing or calm-inducing practices increase anxiety

Gilbert cautions that early attempts to induce calm can heighten anxiety in some people, so safeness must be built gradually. [source: Gilbert 2020]

Response:

  • Drop the breath focus and use eyes-open, external-focus grounding.
  • Use movement or posture work instead.
  • Keep practices brief.

These alternatives are [synthesis].

5.5 Cannot form images

Response:

  • Accept a felt sense, words, a remembered person, or a photo as the cue.
  • Emphasise the body and voice route (4.8) and writing (4.18).
  • Remind the coachee that vividness is not the goal; the motivation is.

These responses are [synthesis].

5.6 Stuck: insight without change

Response:

  • Return to the three-systems map (4.4) and check whether a threat-driven drive is still running the work.
  • Re-examine fears and blocks (4.13).
  • Make experiments smaller (4.22).
  • Check whether the coaching goal is still right.

If there is no progress after a reasonable period and coaching keeps reprocessing the past, ICF treats this as a referral indicator (5.1). [source: ICF 2018; synthesis]

5.7 Non-adherence to between-session practice

Some users of a CFT self-help app felt more anxious or self-critical because the practice added to their workload. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022]

Response:

  • Shrink the practice to 1 to 3 minutes and tie it to existing routines, such as before meetings or on the commute.
  • Watch for the critic attacking missed practice, and treat that as material for the work, not failure.
  • Debrief on effort, not compliance. [source: Gilbert 2009 on effort; synthesis]

5.8 Over-active drive, perfectionism and burnout

The drive system can exhaust a person when it is unchecked. The AC programme targets burnout and perfectionism. [source: Beaumont et al. 2022; AC-CFC]

Response:

  • Map how much of the drive is fuelled by threat (4.4).
  • Schedule contentment and rest (4.26).
  • Build inner-coach statements that support pacing (4.16).
  • Explore what the coachee fears will happen if they slow down (4.13).

If the burnout includes depressive symptoms or functional impairment, refer (5.1). [synthesis]

5.9 Ruptures in the coaching relationship

The practitioner's warmth, non-judgement and ability to contain emotion are part of the method. [source: Gilbert 2009]

Response:

  • Name the rupture.
  • Take your share of responsibility.
  • Ask what the coachee needed.
  • Model self-correction rather than self-attack in your own response.
  • Take strong reactions to supervision. [source: Global Code of Ethics v4; synthesis]

Watch for shame being triggered by feedback inside the coaching itself [synthesis].

5.10 Sponsored or organisational coaching

These responses are [synthesis].

  • Agree three-way goals and confidentiality at the start (4.1).
  • Do not report emotional or self-critical content to the sponsor.
  • If the organisational culture itself is threat-heavy, include it in the formulation. Don't frame the coachee's distress as an individual deficit only.
  • Keep compassion work tied to agreed performance and wellbeing goals.

5.11 Cultural or religious objections to "self-compassion"

These responses are [synthesis].

  • Explore the coachee's own words and traditions of care, responsibility and mercy.
  • Use "wise self-correction" or "inner coach" if "compassion" grates.
  • Focus on the shared core: courage, wisdom and helpful action.

ICF notes that cultural or religious beliefs can also affect willingness to accept a referral. [source: ICF 2018]

5.12 Your own compassion fatigue and role drift

One CMT curriculum covers stress, burnout and compassion fatigue in practitioners. [source: Salford CMT curriculum session 2]

Response:

  • Practise what you teach.
  • Use supervision. [source: Global Code of Ethics v4]
  • Watch for feeling responsible for the coachee or pressured to fix them. These are ICF signals to consult. [source: ICF 2018]
  • If you are a psychotherapist, notice when you start doing therapy inside a coaching contract, and recontract explicitly [synthesis].

Sources

Sources

Further reading (not drawn on) [uncertain]

  • Anstiss, T., & Gilbert, P. (2014). Compassionate mind coaching. In J. Passmore (Ed.), Mastery in Coaching: A Complete Psychological Toolkit for Advanced Coaching. Kogan Page.
  • Gilbert, P., & Simos, G. (Eds.) (2022). Compassion Focused Therapy: Clinical Practice and Applications. Routledge. Relevant chapters are 6 (formulation and fears, blocks and resistances), 8 (CMT key themes), 9 (multiple selves and grieving) and 17 (CFT chairwork, by Bell).
  • Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.
  • Boyatzis, R., Smith, M., & Van Oosten, E. (2019). Helping People Change: Coaching with Compassion for Lifelong Learning and Growth. Harvard Business Review Press. This is a separate model, not covered here.
← Previous · VI-145Acceptance and commitment coachingNext · VI-147 →Narrative coaching