Secular memorials and celebrant-led funerals

1. Introduction

Version followed: UK celebrant-led funerals and memorials as Humanists UK (humanist funerals, England, Wales and Northern Ireland) and the Institute of Civil Funerals (IoCF; civil funerals, Code of Practice Version 01, updated November 2020) publish them, plus the Natural Death Centre's account of direct and family-led (DIY) funerals; the therapist-side work follows prolonged grief disorder as DSM-5-TR and ICD-11 describe it, Stroebe and Schut's (1999) Dual Process Model, and van der Hart and Goossens' (1987) leave-taking rituals in mourning therapy.

Secular memorials and celebrant-led funerals are not a psychotherapy. They are ceremonies, led by a trained celebrant or by the family, that mark a death without (or with only optional) religious content. Humanists UK describes its funeral as "a dignified farewell and a celebration of a life" that acknowledges sadness while honouring the person's life and legacy; its ceremonies have no set script and are built from long conversations with the family [source: Humanists UK, Funeral FAQs]. The IoCF describes a civil funeral as driven by the wishes, beliefs and values of the deceased and their family, not those of the celebrant, so prayers and hymns may be included if the family wants them [source: IoCF, About Civil Funerals]. In the UK a funeral ceremony has no legal status and can be held almost anywhere [source: Humanists UK, Funeral FAQs]; the Natural Death Centre stresses that families need not use a funeral director, and that a direct funeral separates disposal of the body from any ceremony, which can be held later as a memorial [source: Natural Death Centre manager, The Gazette].

How change happens, as the sources frame it: the ceremony gives the bereaved a structured, personal farewell built from the life actually lived (tribute, chosen music and readings, a time for reflection, committal) and a public acknowledgement of the loss [source: Humanists UK; IoCF]. The psychotherapist's contribution is different: assessing grief, helping the client take part in (or author) the ceremony, preparing for and debriefing it, repairing missed or disrupted farewells, and, where needed, using a therapeutic leave-taking ritual in which the client chooses the symbols and does the work [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Ritual elements (symbolic acts, writing tasks, imaginal dialogue, farewell ceremonies) recur across evidence-informed grief treatments; a scoping review found almost all 22 included studies reported significant effects, but the ritual component's own contribution could not be separated [source: Wojtkowiak, Lind & Smid 2021].

Cross-references: 119 ceremony design; 120 celebrants; 112 mourning rites; 115 hospice spiritual care; Domain VI 128 grief counselling; Domain II 127 prolonged grief treatment.

2. Framework

There are two parallel tracks: the ceremony as the celebrant or family runs it, and the therapist's work around it. Neither source sets a number of therapy sessions; the phases below are organising stages, not a protocol [synthesis].

A. The ceremony track (as the bodies publish it)

Arranging. The family chooses a type of funeral: humanist, civil, religious, direct (no ceremony at the time of disposal) or family-led without a funeral director [source: Humanists UK; IoCF; Natural Death Centre]. Celebrants are self-employed and work alongside the funeral director [source: IoCF, About].
Meeting and gathering. The celebrant meets key family members, often for several hours (Humanists UK), normally face-to-face and usually at the client's home (IoCF Code 2). Facts for the tribute are checked with more than one source, and friends and colleagues may be asked (IoCF Code 3). Style, tone, music, readings, symbolic acts and who will take part are agreed [source: IoCF, About].
Script. The celebrant writes a full script; the IoCF says the full text is shown to the client before the funeral (Code 8) and the family can amend the draft until satisfied (About page); a commemorative copy is offered afterwards (Code 8). Religious material is included only if the client asks (Code 6).
Ceremony. Humanists UK's usual order: opening (music and/or readings, optional); tribute (up to 15 minutes, written by the celebrant and/or given by family and friends); time for reflection, during which anyone who wishes may pray; committal; closing words of thanks. Usual length is about 20 to 30 minutes, set by the crematorium slot; a double slot can be booked [source: Humanists UK, Funeral FAQs].
Later ceremonies. Memorial services (for example when the death occurred overseas or the funeral was very small) and ceremonies for scattering or interring ashes [source: Humanists UK; IoCF, About].

B. The therapist's track [synthesis unless tagged]

Phase 1, Assessment (before or soon after the death). Goals: grief and risk assessment, the client's beliefs and the deceased's, family dynamics, practical position (has the funeral happened, was it missed, is it being planned). Move on when risk is managed and the client's main question is clear.
Phase 2, Preparation (if a ceremony is still ahead). Goals: help the client decide their role, gather memories, write or rehearse a tribute, plan for the day, and handle family disagreement. Move on once the client has a plan they own, including a fallback.
Phase 3, Debrief and integration (after the ceremony). Goals: process what happened, what was said and left unsaid; oscillation between loss- and restoration-oriented coping [source: Stroebe & Schut 1999]. Move on when the ceremony is experienced as part of the story rather than an open wound.
Phase 4, Repair (if the farewell was missed, disrupted or felt wrong). Goals: plan a memorial, ashes ceremony or private ritual, or use a therapeutic leave-taking ritual. Van der Hart and Goossens structure this as assessment and contracts, a preparatory phase, a reorganisation phase (the main grief work, often with a low point), and a finalisation phase made up of a leave-taking ceremony, a cleansing rite and a reunion ritual, then follow-up [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. In their account the client agrees to at least weekly sessions and much of the work is homework; their single published case ran 21 sessions over about 18 months [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Ending the letter-writing is decided with the therapist, guided by signs such as less preoccupation with the past and more interest in the present [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Phase 5, Follow-up. Anniversaries may bring sorrow back; this is expected and can be met with a private ritual [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Screen for prolonged grief disorder once the time thresholds are reached (section 4.1).

3. Guiding principles

The ceremony belongs to the bereaved. A civil funeral follows the wishes, beliefs and values of the deceased and family, not the celebrant's [source: IoCF, About]. Practical meaning: you help the client find their own wishes; you never steer content toward your own worldview.
No set script. Ceremonies are "crafted to reflect the individual concerned" [source: Humanists UK]. Practical meaning: there is no correct funeral; resist templates and judge success by fit with this person.
Truthful tribute. Tributes rest on accurate facts, usually from more than one source, and reflect a life "with integrity and accuracy" [source: IoCF Code 3, 5]. Practical meaning: help the client tell a true story, including a difficult or ambivalent relationship, without having to idealise.
Inclusion of mixed beliefs. Humanists UK builds in a time of reflection so those who wish to pray can, and allows culturally familiar hymns "not as an act of worship" [source: Humanists UK]. Practical meaning: a secular ceremony can make room for religious relatives; use this when families are split.
Choice, including no ceremony now. Direct and family-led funerals are legitimate options, and a memorial can come later [source: Natural Death Centre, The Gazette]. Practical meaning: a funeral that has already passed, or never happened, is not the last chance to say goodbye.
Grief oscillates. Adaptive coping involves confronting and also avoiding both loss- and restoration-oriented stressors, with respite as part of coping [source: Stroebe & Schut 1999]. Practical meaning: a client who is busy with arrangements or avoids the tribute is not necessarily avoiding grief.
Culture sets the norm for grief. Both DSM-5-TR and ICD-11 require that the grief clearly exceed the person's social, cultural or religious norms before prolonged grief disorder is diagnosed [source: APA DSM-5-TR; ICD-11 6B42]. Practical meaning: ask what mourning is expected in this family before judging grief as prolonged.
The client is the author of any therapeutic ritual. In van der Hart and Goossens' method the therapist supplies structure and rationale, but the client writes the letters and chooses the symbols; the aim is to find what the client finds meaningful, not to remove every reminder [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Practical meaning: offer a frame, never a ready-made ritual; do not borrow closed religious or Indigenous rites [synthesis].
Safe messaging after suicide. Say the death was by suicide if the family is comfortable, use non-criminal language, leave out method details, do not glorify, and include help-seeking information [source: HealthEd HE2612; Neami National]. Practical meaning: apply this whenever you help a client prepare words for a suicide-bereaved ceremony.
No promotion of beliefs or services. IoCF members must not use access to clients to promote other products, services, beliefs or commitments (Code 12) [source: IoCF Code]. Practical meaning: as therapist or celebrant, keep the two roles and any business apart.
Confidentiality and respect. Celebrants keep client information confidential (IoCF Code 17). Practical meaning: what the client tells you about the family stays with you; contact with the celebrant or funeral director needs the client's consent [synthesis].
Competence and roles. Celebrancy is largely unregulated; IoCF members hold a Level 3 Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy plus public liability and professional indemnity insurance [source: IoCF, About]; Humanists UK celebrants are trained, accredited, insured, quality assured and bound by a code of conduct [source: Humanists UK]. Practical meaning: a therapist who also works as a celebrant needs that training and insurance separately, and must manage multiple relationships under APA Ethics Code Standard 3.05 [source: APA Ethics Code]; conducting the funeral of a current client's relative is generally best avoided [synthesis].
Spiritual problems named, not dismissed. Where conflict over a secular versus religious funeral, or a loss of faith, is the focus, the "Religious or Spiritual Problem" category may apply, coded Z65.8 [source: ICD-10-CM Z65.8 (Unbound Medicine)]; DSM-5-TR wording [uncertain: not verified]. Use the DSM-5-TR Cultural Formulation Interview and its supplementary module on spirituality, religion and moral traditions [uncertain: not verified].

4. Intervention inventory

The celebrant bodies publish ceremony procedures, not therapy techniques. The therapist procedures below are built around those published procedures; items without a source tag are [synthesis]. The leave-taking ritual items (4.17 to 4.21) follow van der Hart and Goossens (1987).

4.1 Grief and risk assessment, including prolonged grief disorder

Purpose / when: At intake after any bereavement, and again once the diagnostic time thresholds are reached.
Steps: (1) Establish the relationship, date and circumstances of the death, and whether a funeral has happened, is planned or was missed. (2) Ask about longing for the deceased and preoccupation with them, the two core features in both systems. (3) Ask about accompanying emotional pain: sadness, guilt, anger, denial, blame, difficulty accepting the death, feeling part of oneself is lost, inability to feel positive mood, numbness, withdrawal (ICD-11 lists these) [source: ICD-11 6B42]. (4) Check time since the loss: ICD-11 requires grief persisting for an atypically long period, at least six months; DSM-5-TR requires at least 12 months after the death for adults [source: ICD-11 6B42; APA DSM-5-TR]; the DSM-5-TR threshold for children and adolescents [uncertain: not verified]. (5) Ask what grieving is expected in the client's family, culture or religion; both systems require the grief to clearly exceed these norms and to impair functioning [source: ICD-11 6B42; APA DSM-5-TR]. (6) Screen for suicidal thoughts, especially after a suicide or a sudden death, following your service's standard risk-assessment procedure. (7) If criteria appear met, refer for or begin a prolonged grief treatment (Domain II 127).
Example language (illustrative): "Grief has no timetable, but I'd like to understand what yours is like now. How much of the day are you pulled back to thoughts of her? And in your family, what would people expect grieving to look like at this point?"
Watch for: Diagnosing too early or against cultural norms; missing suicidal thinking hidden behind practical busyness. Working: you have a shared picture of the grief, its risks and what the client wants from the ceremony.

4.2 Exploring the meaning of the ceremony and the client's worldview

Purpose / when: Before the client meets a celebrant, or when the funeral itself is a source of distress.
Steps: (1) Ask what the deceased believed and how they lived, and what the client believes. (2) Ask what a "good" funeral would do for them: farewell, celebration, honesty, family peace. (3) Explore any religious or cultural expectations from relatives. (4) Where faith or its loss is central, use the Cultural Formulation Interview's spirituality and religion module [uncertain: not verified] and consider the Z65.8 "Religious or Spiritual Problem" category [source: ICD-10-CM Z65.8 (Unbound Medicine)]. (5) Note that the person need not have called themselves a humanist; Humanists UK says most people given humanist funerals lived without religion without using that label [source: Humanists UK].
Example language (illustrative): "If he could hear the ceremony, what would make him say, 'yes, that was me'? And what would make it feel right for you?"
Watch for: Your own beliefs colouring the conversation. Working: the client can say in a sentence what the ceremony is for.

4.3 Information about the options

Purpose / when: When a client is overwhelmed by choices or believes there is only one acceptable form.
Steps: (1) Ask what they already know. (2) Describe options neutrally as the bodies publish them: a humanist funeral (non-religious, celebrant-led) [source: Humanists UK]; a civil funeral (led by the family's wishes, may include prayers or hymns if wanted) [source: IoCF]; a religious funeral; a direct funeral, separating disposal from a later memorial or gathering; a family-led funeral without a funeral director [source: Natural Death Centre, The Gazette]. (3) Point to the bodies for practical detail (Humanists UK's postcode search for accredited celebrants; the IoCF; the Natural Death Centre); do not give legal or financial advice. (4) Return to what fits the client's values.
Example language (illustrative): "There's more choice than people are usually told, including holding a memorial later. Shall we look at which of these fits what you've told me matters most?"
Watch for: Information overload in acute grief; pressure from a provider. Working: the client feels able to choose rather than defaulting.

4.4 Memory gathering for the tribute

Purpose / when: Before the celebrant meeting, which relies on stories, memories and key life events, and contributions from others who knew the person [source: IoCF, About].
Steps: (1) Invite the client to tell the life in chapters. (2) Suggest they collect facts and stories from more than one person, as the IoCF Code expects of celebrants [source: IoCF Code 3]. (3) Note the details that capture the person (sayings, habits, passions). (4) Notice what is hard to say and whether it belongs in the ceremony or in therapy. (5) Help the client prepare a short list to take to the celebrant.
Example language (illustrative): "Let's write down three stories that only people who knew her well would recognise."
Watch for: Flooding when a story touches guilt; idealisation that silences others. Working: the client arrives at the celebrant meeting with material and a sense of agency.

4.5 Writing a tribute or eulogy

Purpose / when: When the client wants to speak, or to give text for the celebrant to read. Humanists UK allows a tribute of up to 15 minutes written by the celebrant and/or delivered by family and friends [source: Humanists UK].
Steps: (1) Agree the client's part (whole tribute, a section, a reading). (2) Draft in the client's words, with a true picture including difficult times. (3) Read it aloud in session to find where emotion peaks. (4) Trim to the agreed time. (5) Share the draft with the celebrant so it fits the full script, which the IoCF says is shown to the client before the day [source: IoCF Code 8].
Example language (illustrative): "You don't have to make him a saint. What would be true to say, and kind to the people listening?"
Watch for: Perfectionism; using the tribute to settle scores. Working: the client can read it through with feeling but without losing control.

4.6 Deciding whether and how to speak, with a fallback

Purpose / when: When the client wants to speak but fears breaking down.
Steps: (1) Normalise tears. (2) Rehearse aloud, then standing, then (if helpful) imagining the room. (3) Agree a fallback: Humanists UK celebrants will read material if the family asks [source: Humanists UK], so a copy can be given to the celebrant in advance. (4) Plan grounding (a breath, a pause, a sip of water, looking at a friendly face). (5) Agree a signal with the celebrant.
Example language (illustrative): "If you get halfway and can't go on, the celebrant can take over from your copy. Would knowing that make it easier to try?"
Watch for: Avoidance that the client later regrets; or forcing a client who would rather listen. Working: the client chooses, with a plan B.

4.7 Working with family disagreement about the ceremony

Purpose / when: Religious versus secular conflict, divorced or estranged relatives, a stepfamily, or disputes about who speaks.
Steps: (1) Map who holds what wish and why. (2) Separate the deceased's known wishes, the next of kin's choices and others' needs. (3) Look for published bridges: a time of reflection in which anyone may pray, and familiar hymns included as culture [source: Humanists UK]; religious material on request in a civil funeral [source: IoCF Code 6]; a separate religious service or memorial later [synthesis]. (4) Rehearse a calm conversation. (5) If safe, consider a family session (see Domain V family work) [synthesis].
Example language (illustrative): "Your mother needs to pray and you need it to be honest about Dad having no faith. Is there a shape where both can be true?"
Watch for: Being drawn into taking sides; legal disputes over who decides, which are not yours to settle. Working: the family reaches a plan the client can live with.

4.8 Including children

Purpose / when: When parents ask whether children should attend or be told how the person died.
Steps: (1) Ask what the child knows and wants. (2) Share that New Zealand guidance on suicide bereavement says research supports telling children and young people how the person died and including them in the farewell [source: HealthEd HE2612]. (3) Offer age-appropriate roles from that guidance: choosing a song, carrying a photo, making a slideshow, writing on the coffin [source: HealthEd HE2612]. (4) Prepare the child for what they will see and hear. (5) Assign a trusted adult to stay with the child and leave if needed [synthesis]. (6) Follow safeguarding procedures if any concern arises.
Example language (illustrative, to a parent): "Children often cope better with a clear, simple truth and a small job to do than with being kept away. What might she like to do?"
Watch for: A child forced to attend or to speak; children's grief showing later in play or behaviour. Working: the child has a role and an adult beside them.

4.9 Preparing words for a funeral after suicide

Purpose / when: Any ceremony after a death by suicide or suspected suicide.
Steps: (1) Ask whether the family is comfortable naming suicide; HE2612 advises acknowledging it early, with compassion, if they are [source: HealthEd HE2612]. (2) Use "died by suicide", never "committed" [source: HealthEd HE2612]. (3) Leave out method, location and any note; avoid speculation about reasons, simplistic causes, and describing suicide as brave, peaceful or pain-free [source: HealthEd HE2612; Neami National]. (4) Focus the tribute on the whole life. (5) Include help-seeking information: in the US, 988; in the UK and Ireland, Samaritans on 116 123. (6) Consider written tributes read by the leader rather than open speaking, and trained support available at large events [source: Neami National]. (7) Suggest a dedicated care person for close family on the day and in the weeks after [source: HealthEd HE2612].
Example language (illustrative): "We can say she died by suicide and still spend most of the ceremony on who she was. How would you want that said?"
Watch for: Your client's own suicidal thinking; vulnerable mourners, especially young people. Working: the client feels the ceremony was honest and safe.

4.10 Pre-planning one's own funeral

Purpose / when: A client with a life-limiting illness, or one who wants to spare the family decisions.
Steps: (1) Check readiness and timing; this is not for every dying client. (2) Explore values and what they want said. (3) Point to the IoCF route: the person can contact a celebrant directly, go through the same process, share the approved draft with executors and close family, and store a copy with the funeral plan or director [source: IoCF, About]. Humanists UK also supports planning one's own funeral [source: Humanists UK]. (4) Discuss how the family can be involved. (5) Coordinate with hospice spiritual care (115) if relevant.
Example language (illustrative): "Some people find it a relief to shape this themselves. Others would rather leave it to the family. What feels right to you?"
Watch for: Pressure from relatives; using planning to avoid emotional conversations. Working: the client reports relief or a sense of control.

4.11 Planning for the day

Purpose / when: In the last session before the ceremony.
Steps: (1) Walk through the order of the day as the client expects it (for a Humanists UK funeral: opening, tribute, reflection, committal, closing [source: Humanists UK]). (2) Identify the hardest moment (often the committal) and a coping response. (3) Name a support person who will check in practically and emotionally without being asked, as HE2612 recommends for close family [source: HealthEd HE2612]. (4) Plan for alcohol, travel home, and time alone afterwards (Neami National advises limiting alcohol and planning safe transport home at memorials) [source: Neami National]. (5) Agree a date for a debrief session.
Example language (illustrative): "Which moment are you dreading most? Let's plan what you'll do in that minute, and who will be next to you."
Watch for: Over-planning that leaves no room to feel. Working: the client reports feeling held rather than braced.

4.12 Collaborating with the celebrant or funeral director

Purpose / when: When the client wants help communicating with them, or a particular need (a disability, a child, a suicide death, a disputed family) needs flagging.
Steps: (1) Get the client's explicit, specific consent for any contact. (2) Prefer the client contacting them, with your help drafting. (3) If you speak to them, share only what the ceremony needs. (4) Respect the celebrant's role: they write the script and run the day [source: IoCF, About; Humanists UK]. (5) Record what was shared.
Example language (illustrative): "Would you like to tell the celebrant yourself that your brother may need to step out, or shall we write the email together?"
Watch for: Disclosing therapy content; taking over the celebrant's work. Working: the client's needs are met without loss of privacy.

4.13 Debriefing after the ceremony

Purpose / when: In the first session after the funeral or memorial.
Steps: (1) Ask for the story of the day in order. (2) Ask what felt right, what jarred, and what was left unsaid. (3) Notice moments of connection with others. (4) Note regrets (not speaking, a missing person, a religious element they disliked) and whether they call for a later ritual (4.15, 4.17). (5) Look at the commemorative copy of the script if the client has one; the IoCF offers one afterwards [source: IoCF Code 8].
Example language (illustrative): "Take me through the day from when you woke up. Where did it feel most like a goodbye?"
Watch for: Numbness or anticlimax, which is common and not a failure [synthesis]. Working: the ceremony becomes part of the client's narrative of the loss.

4.14 Working with oscillation (Dual Process Model)

Purpose / when: When a client fears they are grieving "wrongly", for example busy with arrangements and estates, or overwhelmed by sorrow with no respite.
Steps: (1) Explain Stroebe and Schut's idea in your own words: coping involves loss-oriented stressors (the loss itself) and restoration-oriented stressors (the changes that follow), and adaptive coping moves between confronting and avoiding both, with respite as part of coping [source: Stroebe & Schut 1999]. (2) Map the client's week on the two sides. (3) Where one side dominates, plan small moves to the other: a time for memories, or a practical task or rest. (4) Frame ceremony preparation as both loss work and restoration work.
Example language (illustrative): "Grief tends to swing between facing the loss and getting on with what life now asks of you. Both are part of grieving. Which side have you been stuck on?"
Watch for: Using the model to push someone into feelings they are not ready for. Working: less self-criticism and more flexible coping.

4.15 Delayed, disrupted or missed farewells

Purpose / when: The funeral was missed (illness, migration, distance, a death overseas), restricted (for example during pandemic restrictions), held in a form that felt wrong, or replaced by a direct cremation.
Steps: (1) Acknowledge the loss of the farewell as a loss in itself [synthesis]. (2) Explore what was missing. (3) Consider a memorial: Humanists UK holds memorial services at varied venues, including when the person died overseas or a very small funeral was held [source: Humanists UK]; after a direct funeral families can hold a memorial or gathering later [source: Natural Death Centre, The Gazette]. (4) Or a smaller private or family ritual designed by the client (see 4.17). (5) Plan who to invite and what role the client takes.
Example language (illustrative): "You were not able to be there. It is not too late to have a goodbye that you shape. What would it need to include?"
Watch for: Guilt about not attending; family members who do not want to reopen things. Working: the client has a farewell they own.

4.16 Ceremonies for ashes

Purpose / when: When the scattering or interment of ashes is pending, sometimes long after the death.
Steps: (1) Explore why the ashes are still waiting, if they are. (2) Note that IoCF celebrants help prepare ceremonies for scattering or interment of ashes [source: IoCF, About]. (3) Help the client choose place, people and words. (4) Prepare for the emotional impact of a second farewell. (5) Debrief afterwards.
Example language (illustrative): "Sometimes the ashes wait because the last goodbye feels too final. Does that fit for you?"
Watch for: Family conflict over the ashes; practical or legal questions, which go to the funeral director or crematorium. Working: the decision moves from stuck to chosen.

4.17 Therapeutic leave-taking ritual: assessment, contract and preparation

Purpose / when: Van der Hart and Goossens describe leave-taking rituals as a short-term, directive mourning therapy mainly for conflicted and unexpected grief; they also suggest it for psychiatric symptoms linked to chronic unresolved grief, and say dependent grief needs relationship work first, with rituals later [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Steps (as the authors structure it, in your own words): (1) Assess the client and family, including whether family therapy fits better, and the client's support and "standby" people. (2) Agree a preliminary, then a definitive, contract. (3) Explain how a ritual may help. (4) Check motivation, as the work is demanding and stirs strong feelings. (5) Inform family members, who may be encouraged to talk about the loss. (6) In their account the client agrees to at least weekly sessions and may phone between them [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Example language (illustrative): "This way of working asks a lot of you between sessions. It means writing, sorting through some of his things, and eventually a farewell you design. Before we decide, let's look at who can support you."
Watch for: Low motivation, dependent grief, thin support. Working: the client chooses the work with understanding.

4.18 The continuous leave-taking letter

Purpose / when: The central task of the reorganisation phase [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Steps (paraphrased): (1) The client writes to the deceased in a notebook at a fixed time and place; the routine is itself a ritual frame. The authors suggest daily or several times a week, for roughly 45 to 60 minutes. (2) A separate notebook for each person or theme. (3) Start each time by rereading; repeating messages is fine. (4) Stay seated when stuck, but do not force the writing. (5) Aim to express the whole message, including ambivalence and anger. (6) The therapist may read passages with the client. (7) When to end the letter is decided together [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Example language (illustrative): "Write to him as if he could read it, including the things you never managed to say. Nobody else needs to see it."
Watch for: The authors note the process usually reaches a low point of despair and may bring suicidal thoughts; increase contact and reassess risk [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Working: dreams of taking leave, less preoccupation with the past, more interest in the present [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].

4.19 Working with linking objects and symbols

Purpose / when: When objects (photos, letters, keepsakes) keep the deceased present in a way that holds the client still.
Steps: (1) Identify key symbols. (2) Early on, the client may give some to the therapist for safekeeping, which can start the mourning. (3) During reorganisation, the client relates to them differently (for example displaying them more prominently) or creates new symbols such as drawings or poems, or finds them in nature. (4) The aim is what the client finds meaningful, not removing every reminder [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Example language (illustrative): "Which of her things feel most alive with her? We don't need to decide what happens to them yet, only to notice what they mean."
Watch for: Distress if the client feels objects are being taken away; family members with claims on belongings. Working: a freer, chosen relationship with the objects.

4.20 Finalisation: leave-taking ceremony, cleansing rite and reunion

Purpose / when: When the reorganisation phase is complete [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Steps: (1) Leave-taking ceremony: the client bids farewell to the collected symbols, which in the authors' account were often burned and then buried; belongings may be sorted or given away, and some kept but held differently. (2) Cleansing rite: a symbolic act such as a long bath or shower marks leaving the transitional period. (3) Reunion ritual: a symbolic act such as a meal with important people marks re-entry into life [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. (4) The client decides each act; the therapist helps plan and debrief [synthesis]. (5) Plan any fire or outdoor act safely and lawfully [synthesis].
Example language (illustrative): "How would you like to mark the end of this letter? It can be private, or with people you choose."
Watch for: Mixed results: in the authors' case the farewell brought strain before relief [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Avoid borrowing closed religious or Indigenous ritual forms [synthesis]. Working: the client describes a shift from holding on to remembering.

4.21 Anniversaries and private rituals

Purpose / when: Before death anniversaries, birthdays and holidays, and in follow-up.
Steps: (1) Predict that sorrow may return; the authors say this is expected and can be handled through a private ritual [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Later sessions may also discuss a memorial ceremony [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. (2) Help the client plan how to spend the day and with whom. (3) Reassess for prolonged grief if distress is not easing (4.1).
Example language (illustrative): "The anniversary is coming. Would you like to plan something that marks it in your own way?"
Watch for: Interpreting a hard anniversary as relapse. Working: the day is marked rather than dreaded.

4.22 When the therapist is also a celebrant

Purpose / when: A therapist trained as a celebrant, or a client asking the therapist to lead a funeral.
Steps: (1) Be trained and insured as the bodies require (IoCF: Level 3 Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy, public liability and professional indemnity insurance; Humanists UK: accreditation, insurance, indemnity, CPD, code of conduct) [source: IoCF, About; Humanists UK]. (2) Consider APA Ethics Code Standard 3.05 (multiple relationships) [source: APA Ethics Code]. (3) As a rule, do not conduct a ceremony for a current client or their family; refer to another celebrant [synthesis]. (4) Keep separate records, contracts and fees [synthesis]. (5) Do not use one role to promote the other; the IoCF bars promoting other products, services or beliefs to clients [source: IoCF Code 12].
Example language (illustrative): "I'm touched you'd want me to. Because I'm your therapist, I think it's better for you if someone else leads it, and I'll help you prepare and be here afterwards."
Watch for: Client disappointment; blurred confidentiality. Working: the client's therapy stays protected.

4.23 Referral and onward care

Purpose / when: Prolonged grief disorder, trauma after a violent death, suicide risk, or needs beyond your competence.
Steps: (1) Refer for a prolonged grief treatment (Domain II 127) or grief counselling (Domain VI 128). (2) Offer suicide-bereavement peer support and crisis numbers: 988 (US); Samaritans 116 123 (UK and Ireland). (3) For religious questions, offer to involve the client's religious leader if the client wishes. (4) Keep the door open for the client to return.
Example language (illustrative): "What you're carrying fits what specialists call prolonged grief, and there are treatments designed for it. I'd like to help you get to them."
Watch for: The client experiencing referral as rejection. Working: the client attends and stays connected.

5. Handling problems

The celebrant bodies do not address therapy difficulties; guidance here is [synthesis] except where tagged.

Stuck: the client cannot begin the tribute or the letter. Shrink the task to one story or one sentence; write together in session; check whether guilt or anger is blocking (4.18 allows ambivalent and negative feelings [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]). If stuck for weeks, reassess for prolonged grief or trauma (4.1).
Avoidance of the ceremony altogether. Respect it as possible respite, consistent with the Dual Process Model's view that avoiding at times is part of coping [source: Stroebe & Schut 1999]; but explore whether the client will regret not attending, and remind them that a memorial can come later [source: Humanists UK; Natural Death Centre].
Overwhelm on the day or in session. Grounding, pausing, the celebrant reading the client's words [source: Humanists UK], a support person, permission to step out. In session, slow down and return to the present before the client leaves.
Low point and suicidal thoughts during leave-taking work. Expected by the authors; increase contact and reassess risk; they also mention medication as one option, which is for the prescriber to decide [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987]. Never advise starting, stopping or changing a medicine. Give 988 (US) or Samaritans 116 123 (UK and Ireland).
Non-adherence to letter-writing homework. Explore what writing evokes; adjust the frame (a different place, a shorter entry, voice notes) while keeping regularity [synthesis]. Reconsider whether dependent grief means relationship work should come first [source: van der Hart & Goossens 1987].
Family conflict escalates. Return to the client's own choices; separate what they can influence. Use published bridges (a time of reflection for prayer, cultural hymns, religious material only if requested) [source: Humanists UK; IoCF Code 6]. Disputes over legal authority or the body go to a solicitor or the funeral director, not therapy.
The ceremony went badly (errors in the tribute, a disliked religious element, a key person absent). Validate; note the IoCF expects accurate tributes from more than one source [source: IoCF Code 3], so the client may raise errors with the celebrant; plan a corrective memorial or private ritual (4.15, 4.20).
Suicide-bereaved ceremony and vulnerable mourners. Follow safe-messaging guidance (4.9); avoid permanent public memorials, which Neami National says can become a focus for distress, and moderate online memorials [source: Neami National]; signpost help for friends and young people.
Children excluded or forced. Re-open with parents; offer a later child-sized ritual; follow safeguarding procedures if needed.
Rupture: the client feels you are steering toward or away from religion. Name it, apologise, and return authorship to the client. Do not promote beliefs [source: IoCF Code 12].
Dual-role pressure. If a client or family asks you to lead the funeral, decline kindly and refer (4.22); consider Standard 3.05 [source: APA Ethics Code].
Cultural or religious mismatch. If the family follows a living tradition, its rites belong to its institutions; work with meaning and family pressure, and offer collaboration with the client's religious leader if the client wishes (see 112 mourning rites). Do not import elements of closed traditions into a secular or therapeutic ritual.
Ritual that harms or endangers. Keep any burning, burial or outdoor act legal and safe; a ritual that becomes self-punishing or compulsive should be paused and reformulated.
Prolonged grief diagnosed too early or across cultures. Recheck time since the loss (ICD-11: at least six months; DSM-5-TR: at least 12 months for adults) and cultural norms [source: ICD-11 6B42; APA DSM-5-TR].

Sources

Organisational, clinical and research sources:

Further references:

ICD-10-CM Z65.8 , Other specified problems related to psychosocial circumstances (includes 'Religious or spiritual problem')
APA Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct (Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships)
American Psychiatric Association (2022). DSM-5-TR, including the Cultural Formulation Interview [uncertain: not verified].

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